Version BETA (1.0a) updated 05/08/20 01:08 AM

Look at the world around us. We live in a world where we have warheads as the solutions to our disagreements. A world where conflict can begin at any minute because of mere differences, where our kids bring guns to school and murder their peers, where manipulation is a readily used tactic in our every day life, cheating among couples is common, and cancel culture exists as the modern day version of torches and pitchforks as a glaring example of how society has a difficult time finding balance between correcting the wrong and becoming so violent themselves that it gives no room for growth for the accused, which in turn continues the cycle of hatred.

All of the wrong in our world can be routed from the same fundamental issues. Insecurity, a lack of understanding and empathy, not knowing who we are as individuals, and not acknowledging one another’s identities.

 

Insecurity:

It’s not rocket science that insecurities cause us to do things we otherwise would have preferred not to do. We lash out at anything that makes us feel threatened, and that lashing out can manifest in various ways. We lie because we have things to hide or protect, and it only becomes exacerbated in a world where one is judged and can potentially be looked down upon, even when it’s things that shouldn’t be looked down upon. People judge and put each other down because they think it helps them reaffirm their own superiority over the other. And the world continues this cycle because our only response when we’re aware of the negative intentions all around us is to wall ourselves up even further. At extreme levels this can reach the point of violence and greed. In essence, we effectively turn ourselves into monsters in order to fight what we believe are monsters.

 

Lack of empathy:

I spoke of a judgmental society and of a society that leaves no room for those who have been accused to begin a path of healing, which essentially combines to fan the flames of fear and hatred. It leads to a world where retaliation and vengefulness becomes our main form of therapy. It’s no secret that we are a community based species, which means we thrive on communication, bonds, and feeling understood by one another. Unfortunately the current state of our world essentially means that every baby born begins their life several strides behind the starting line. By then they become the victim of chance. Will their upbringing teach them understanding and forgiveness? Will their peers at school show them empathy and understanding with their shortcomings or perceived flaws? Or will they be judged immediately and made to feel shame? Would their early experiences grant them the wisdom and mental fortitude to not be retaliatory and instead view the suffering they’re enduring from their peers from an understanding standpoint?

Imagine if both sides were understanding with one another. Imagine a world where we can look at wrongdoing with an open mind, and instead of shunning the person, we work together to analyze and unravel the source of that person’s ailments and what led them to committing the act. Imagine where people are not afraid to come forward with the things they have done because they know they would be met with a community ready to help them become better people. Imagine a world that is understanding of each others’ shortcomings and instead of belittling one another for our differences we openly accept those differences, praise the hard work of others regardless of their success but instead through the lens of empathizing with their perseverance through their struggles and difficulty, and encourage each other to fail as many times as needed, that there is no shame in falling in front of an audience.

 

Not knowing who we are:

Our inability to put into perspective and take control over our behavior regarding our insecurities, as well as our inability to adhere to our greater judgement with sympathy, stems from not knowing who we are as unique individuals and where we place ourselves in the Universe. From birth we begin to learn about our world and its properties in order to find our place and it is only through learning about the Universe we live in that we eventually discover who we truly are. That is essentially what we are all doing right now and what we each have done over the course of human history, albeit some more efficiently than others. Unfortunately, this is not at the forefront of our current society’s teachings. Children begin schooling at around 5 years old and are somehow all expected to know enough about themselves to choose their field of choice or what they want to do in life by the time they are in the middle of High School, despite not being given more than a couple hours to themselves for five days of the week. Schools typically do not teach about deeper thinking such as philosophy nor do they stimulate their minds in ways that develop abstract thinking. We typically teach our kids raw data. Furthermore, not all parents are equipped to pass on the proper fundamentals that would serve to increase children’s ability to extract from their experiences. While the world has plenty of teachers, it has very few mentors.

For many, the road to self actualization is an arduous one, and it is even non-existent in the minds of some, which means quite a great number of people go through life without ever finding out who they truly are and what their potential is. As a human being, not finding your ego is like a caterpillar never realizing it is a caterpillar and that it needs to spin a cocoon in order to become a butterfly. Any task you do without knowing who you are is a mere consumption of reality and does not feed your true identity because you’re perceiving every action without the full understanding of who it is exactly that is performing the action and for what purpose. At extremes, this can make us weak to our desires and our fears, potentially causing us to put them in front of our better judgment. This can lead to hurting others and even push us to do horrible things to one another. Knowing who you are and where you place yourself in this world creates a strong identity, and as a social based species this inevitably includes empathy and the open mind to understand others. A strong identity grants you the ability to understand the stakes of every action and their role in what it means for that identity. You begin to care, not just about others, but about respecting that very identity.

It is because of this that we must be vigilant on our own in order to figure out who we are, although not many have the discipline or wisdom to do so. Psilocybin offers a way for the mind to enter a plethora of abstract thinking and the shift in perspective allows one to be able to view their world from new eyes and in a way that is not 1+1. It offers humans a second perspective. One might say, “just a second perspective?”. My response to that is to simply look at the power you gain when you go from singular to binary. By simply adding the possibility of 1 in opposition to 0 you acquire the power of infinite combinations, which we have come to call binary. Black alone is just black but when you add white into the mix you can begin sequencing patterns using both. Or you can imagine the growth between two people from two entirely different walks of life just from learning from one another. Acquiring a second perspective changes the entire paradigm of the way you reconcile your life, your world, and the people around you. It offers you a comparison point to the original looking glass, which is the one you were born with.

 

Not acknowledging one another:

Now that you have an idea of how important identity is as a human being, can you imagine what the repercussions are for that identity, your very existence, to not be acknowledged by others? Take the creation of art for example. Our art is an extension of our identity when we pour our heart and soul into it, and to put someone’s art down non-constructively can potentially hurt that person in a way that a strike to the face cannot reach, for it is a direct strike to their identity. Mistreatment at workplaces, bullying in schools, sexism, gender bias, racism, and malicious manipulation are all different ways that society denies each other’s existence.

One does not need to look far to see the repercussions of denying someone’s existence. For instance, look at the presence of weapons being brought to school by students. In a study utilizing data from 15,624 schools, researchers discovered a correlation between bullying and an increase of chances of bringing a weapon to school (citation: https://pediatrics.aappublications.org/content/140/6/e20170353). Additionally, it is easy to imagine that our mistreatment of each other, the current state of our society, and the mechanics the run our view of the world can lead many to depression, loneliness and feeling out of place, violence, retaliatory behavior, and distrust in each other.

 

Enter Psilocybin:

Insecurity, a lack of understanding and empathy, not knowing who we are as individuals, and not acknowledging one another’s identities, they all have something in common. They are all directly addressed by the experiences granted through psilocybin, assuming it is used with that purpose in mind and not recreationally nor in an old fashioned ritualistic manner. After over 300 of what the psychedelic community considers “heroic doses” of psilocybin that started from a beautiful and extremely unlikely accident years ago, I have painstakingly pushed through reality breaking existential crisis after existential crisis, soul crushing experiences, and have even pushed so many away throughout all of it, because I knew in my heart that I had to do what I could to demystify and translate the experience for others to learn from, so that the substance can be used by future generations with the understanding of what it is and how to use it to improve themselves, their relationships, their health, and so that the idea of a “bad trip” is properly understood. At one point I was even ridiculed and looked down on by one of the people I cared the most for in the world, but my initial experiences led me to have faith in myself that there was an answer, so I pressed on, having faith that everything will resolve itself. I knew that an existential crisis is only an existential crisis if the equation is not complete, that the unknown is only mysterious if it is not solved, and that the abyss is only scary if one does not trek into the darkness to shine a light into it. Today, after a long and strenuous journey that tested my will, I can say that I dove into that darkness so that others can now have a guide.

My understanding of it’s characteristics made it obvious that psilocybin, by design, would not be studied properly, not only due to the current state of the views of our world, but because the experience itself cannot be broken down objectively from the outside perspective and would require the researcher submitting themselves to the experience. What are the chances that a researcher interested in the growth of humanity stumbles upon psilocybin, has the trusted resources and companions to keep them grounded in a journey where no guidebook in history for it exists, and has the audacity and arrogance to persevere through the potential challenges that may come there way due to the nature of the magic mushroom experience? This is why I do not blame the world and all those who have researched this to not have come forward so far with a detailed breakdown of the experience. It is, in a way, nature’s best kept secret from us as an ego and community based species. It has come no surprise that at the time of this writing, not even the world’s leading researchers or the veterans of psilocybin use have come forward with the knowledge that there is a third, more conscious and purposeful usage of magic mushrooms, and that is what this paper tries to relay to the world in hopes of opening the doorway for the leaders in the field to developing new strategies and maybe even entire systems using psilocybin as a tool for not just psychotherapy or medical purposes, but even for those who are mentally healthy to improve their lives in ways that our modern world has never been able to accomplish before. One of the strongest distinct characteristics of the magic mushroom experience is developing a strong sense of self and the profound strengthening of one’s ego, the further development of empathy, especially in those who possess very little of it, and offering one a temporarily elevated consciousness that greatly increases their ability to communicate and understand others’ perspectives.

“-no outside influences, such as the world and the countless elements that make up society, can take away what you’ve gained for yourself. The beauty of growing on psilocybin is that your sense of self cannot be taken from you. Your ground becomes yourself and you become your own greatest hero. You will be far less prone to emotional or psychological manipulation by the people and the systems of the world. This is not to say things such as the loss of a loved one or heart break from a romantic partner won’t affect you, as those two examples in particular are fundamentally embedded deep within each of us. Loved ones, are a part of ourselves whether we like it or not. But, you’ll be several orders of magnitude more emotionally and psychologically equipped to take on any pain and suffering you receive, because you will know who you are.”

– From the Level 4 section of the page “Levels of Psilocybin”

    There’s plenty of misinformation in general out there, but none to the extent of the magnitude of what I’ve seen
surrounding psilocybin, even from those who are considered experienced with psychedelics. To make matters worse, there are no quantitative authorities on the experience itself. You may hear people, even reputable ones, mention it’s medicinal potential or share some vague relay of their experiences, but you won’t hear them breaking the experience down in ways that are useful to anyone outside of themselves. And while I am grateful and find it amazing that scientists are now finally studying it, the fact that they are relying on graphs generated from observing other people go through the experience shows that they are missing an important piece of understanding of the nature of psilocybin. especially since their goal is learning how to use it to help people with their mental ailments. On top of that, those patients are not people who know what they are doing. I do not blame scientists for not knowing, after all, I only know what I know now because of a series of extremely lucky events that led me to my initial discovery. Simply studying patients go through the experience will limit you to only understanding things like its mechanical effects on the person and it’s pharmokinetics, which will not yield an understanding of how and why it can help a long list of issues that plagues humanity, and how to go about doing so.

    Psilocybin, and more specifically the experience of growing and improving as a person from it, is such a unique and special phenomena in the fact that it is by design that you cannot quantify the experience without fully going through the journey yourself. The secrets contained within the experience are cleverly hidden behind a series of tests and fully understanding them in ways that will become useful to yourself and others can only be done by going through the challenges in first person. When one wants to be a world renowned heart surgeon, they can study the books as much as they want, but until they apply that knowledge and actually go through and become battle tested through numerous surgical procedures on actual real human hearts, they’ll never know what it feels like to BE a world renowned heart surgeon. Magic mushrooms implements this firewall effect to an even greater degree because the accessing of even just the information contained within relies specifically to the unique experience of that person, and this paper is meant to be a guide to give others the knowledge and understanding to be able to properly explore that experience themselves.

    To my knowledge, there doesn’t seem to be any extensive resources or guides available that detail how one should go about using psilocybin for self improvement. All of the information seems vague. The general consensus seems to be to “go on a trip and let your mind take you on a journey”, and many seem to share the view that psilocybin use can only be subjective, but this is absolutely wrong. Many people don’t even realize that visuals showing significant warping of objects and people (eg: your friends’ heads warping into odd shapes, walls that are supposed to be straight end up bending, etc.) are actually a sign of your consciousness losing it’s footing. It means you are not in full control, or as I like to call it, you are not in the “bright side” of the trip, even if you THINK you’re having a good time.

    This brings me to my next point. It seems most people don’t even realize that a shroom experience is inherently a battle, and I think this is where a chunk of the confusion and the misinterpretations come from. I’ll use some of the observations people have shared when discussing comparisons with LSD and psilocybin that I’ve read on the web. A common trait of LSD that people share is having more control over their thoughts. An even more common description is the driver seat/passenger seat comparison. They say LSD is like being in the driver’s seat and psilocybin is like being in the passenger’s seat, but this is absolutely wrong and this analogy has always bothered me. While you’re under the effects of psilocybin, all of the thoughts that cross your mind, both consciously and autonomously, are amplified several times over. That’s why the higher the level you go on psilocybin the more careful you have to be. It takes a very delicate synergy between your emotions being positive, your will power, and the purity of your intentions to keep yourself from slipping up and falling into a bad trip or going in and out of feeling sub-optimal. This is what I meant earlier when I said it takes time, will power, and practice. You have to get to know the ins and outs of your mind, face your insecurities, your demons if you will, and reconcile them. And at the highest levels, you have to know how you tick if you want a good chance on getting out of a bad trip in case you ever do. I am one hundred percent against the notion that a shroom experience is one that you take a passenger seat in. In fact, it’s actually the exact opposite and I will explore this in more detail later on.

    Everywhere I look where people are sharing their experiences I tend to see things like “aliens spoke to me”, angels, demons, talking to God, or in the case of Terence McKenna, “machine elves”. Why would an entity with higher consciousness like an alien, a god, or ethereal beings like elves or fairies suddenly want to speak to you, a random human being out of billions, just because you took a substance, and not someone else like a leading doctor or physicist? I don’t mean any disrespect to any of these people nor is it my intention to invalidate other people’s realities, beliefs, or spiritual journeys (because I know that even the most fantastical experiences have merit and may even hold precious valuable lessons for the person), but if my goal here is to open up the public to the highly therapeutic and possibly revolutionary medicinal potential of psilocybin use then it’s necessary to keep things scientifically grounded. While I’m happy to see the open-mindedness of comments towards experiences like those because it shows how accepting humans can be of others’ spiritual experiences, I feel like we’re at a point in the evolution of our society that talks of that nature can push a lot of people away. I feel that it is absolutely necessary to ground any spiritual journey within science as much as possible. Mystifying or allowing fantastical or superstitious beliefs can render your spiritual journey reduced to just the psychedelic trip itself and less applicable for practical use in your daily life, not to mention you’d be getting the wrong message from your experiences.

    Time and time again I see people, even those who have done this for decades, speak of very superstitious claims that completely go against known science and known scientific theories. It’s important not to take your experiences on magic mushrooms literally. If you are seeing angels, demons, spirits, fairies or gnomes, it doesn’t mean they exist. It’s your mind trying to reconcile something, some logic or some unconscious new finding with themes familiar to humans. The mind is an impressive machine and it almost never gives you enlightenment directly. It becomes even more complex when you consider that the average human brain stores 2.5 petabytes (that’s 2.5 million gigabytes) (cite: https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/what-is-the-memory-capacity/) of memory at any given moment, which gives your brain a vast library of concepts to pull from.

    Take our dreams when we sleep for instance. When you’re psycho-analyzing your own dreams you have to always keep in mind that dreams are almost never literal. Every element in the dream, such as the objects, the events, and especially the characters, are simply abstract manifestations and not direct literal representations of what they appear to be. One of the main things to keep in mind when analyzing a dream is not so much what happened but more so how you were feeling in the dream. It is the emotional tone of the dream that will allow you to begin picking apart the meaning behind the events. These same mechanics applies to your experiences on psilocybin. Before you can even analyze what you’re seeing you must first ask yourself how you’re feeling, and it takes time, will power, and the practice of getting to know your mind to be able to remain as objective as possible and the demand on those parameters increases the higher the level. I see no talks of this in even discussions surrounding prominent figures in the psychedelic research community. It seems the extent of everyone’s knowledge on psilocybin’s medicinal potential is the simple fact that it can heal psychological and emotional ailments due to the shifted perspective it offers.

    While I am grateful that there seems to be a strong movement behind that, it is simultaneously frustrating from where I currently stand to see that no one has an idea of the gravity of what’s in front of us. It’s like looking at the cure to nearly every problem we have as a species while watching everyone else stare at it as if it’s merely another new medicine that could help with only two or three diseases. To make matters worse, the image of magic mushroom use by a good portion of even those who are aware of it’s medicinal properties have largely framed it a psychedelic hallucinogen first, with it’s medicinal potential merely a perk of it’s effects, and not the fact that it IS a potent medical tool first and a psychedelic second. Imagery surrounding magic mushrooms tends to exude it’s psychedelic properties first and foremost, with pictures consisting of vivid colors and dizzying shapes, or images of nature in a very high fantasy setting that looks like it came out of an MMORPG, which can lead newcomers and the general public to initially perceive it’s just some trippy drug, which is depressing because psilocybin, from where I stand and what I have seen, might even be what saves us from destroying ourselves.

    Lastly, I have noticed that there seems to be an air of vagueness when discussing the use of psilocybin from those who have explored it and have attained extreme levels of success, particularly those in high places such as celebrities and publicly well known personalities, makes me wonder if their seeming reluctance to go into detail stems from some sort of fear of being judged or not being taken seriously. In their positions, it is entirely understandable. Thankfully, my experiences throughout my journey, particularly at the start, made it impossible for me to ignore the powerful desire to share the beauty of this substance to the world. I’m hoping that demystifying this can serve as the start of others speaking out about their experiences and share what they’ve garnered from it. The more popular and more widely accepted this substance is, the faster the world can progress by becoming more emotionally aware as a collective of the problems plaguing our planet. By the time you are done reading this entire website, you will have learned the following things:

1- Psilocybin’s potential to not just heal, but improve a person’s life, goes further than even what most experienced people have thought.
2- The shroom experience is inherently designed to improve humanity’s sense of self, strengthen one’s ego and individuality, tame and control insecurities, increase readily accessible will power, and to provide a state of consciousness for abstract communication.
3- Psilocybin, when properly controlled, can be used to enhance problem solving, creativity, art, physical finesse, learning, and understanding one another.
4- The mechanics of the experience while under the effects of psilocybin.
5- The experience is inherently a battle.
6- Why it’s always better to try to solve your problems during the “bright side” of a trip rather than during a mediocre or a bad trip.
7- The five levels of intensity of the experience.
8- Why I believe self improvement on psilocybin is a more fundamental growth to the person than LSD.
9- Why MDMA is also a critically important experience for a human being.
10- How the combination of MDMA & Psilocybin in a person’s life can dramatically improve their well being and their personal relationships.
11- The unique and powerful potential behind combining both MDMA & Psilocybin simultaneously, and why the two separated offers an entirely different and also important experience.

    I’m not anyone in particular. I’m someone who grew up living for no one but myself and did everything for myself. I mostly stayed in my lane and minded my own business, only taking a step out of myself to help others. While I was very big on helping people, especially friends and even more so people who had a lot of potential to give something to the world but weren’t able to because of the cards they were dealt with, at the end of the day I lived life like I was watching a movie and if nudging someone in the right direction or giving someone the tools to do their craft ended up in a series of events that was interesting to me, then I would be fortunate enough to observe the cause and effect of that narrative because I found it fun to watch peoples’ lives unfold. But outside of that, deep in my heart, I felt almost nothing for the world, which is why writing this paper has been one of the most ironic experiences of my life. It was difficult for me to feel empathy towards people. I was unable to feel emotions or feel effected in any way when others tell me their tragic stories. It wasn’t until I learned to really truly love someone that I was able to begin opening my heart up to a very select few other people, and even then it was not enough…until one fateful day.

    My discovery of the potential of magic mushrooms started from a strange coincidental combination of a happy accident and a series of extremely lucky events (or unlucky, depending how you look at it) . It sort of just fell on my lap and when it did, I was left with no choice but to go further and dive deeper in search of answers, effectively jump starting a two year long spiritual journey that would put me through a series of the most challenging experiences I would ever have to go through, things I would not wish on my worst enemy. The enlightenment from my findings by design made it so that there was absolutely no way I could ignore the potential of this substance. It was obvious that ignoring it and not taking action would render me effectively a horrible human being for not attempting to quantify and translate it for the rest of humanity. This site was created so that those wishing to change the direction of their lives using psilocybin have a guide and do not run across the same issues I did so that their journey towards a better self may be as smooth as possible. It was created so that those studying it for medicinal purposes can begin understanding it from the perspective of one who has first person experience of staying fully conscious and aware during countless heroic doses, and not from studying graphs watching someone else who does not understand it go through the experience for them.

    Contrary to how this substance is perceived and how people mystify it, I truly believe the experience can be quantified. It is only through understanding it that we can begin to use it in a more effective and consistent manner to help those going through not just depression, PTSD, and anxiety, but many other forms of mental and psychological issues as well, such as Asperger’s, sociopathy, and maybe even attenuate certain forms of autism. In these two years I have witnessed this substance help different people with a wide spectrum of issues beyond what it is currently being tested for. I have even seen it change a person from being a sociopath into being one of the most loving and empathetic person I’ve ever known. That person went from being extremely self destructive to being someone who now is able to help others strengthen their sense of self and improve their own lives, and I am honored to call that person my friend. I have witnessed this substance stop people from their drug abuse. One of the greatest feats this substance has done that I have personally witnessed is enabling someone combat their Asperger’s to the extent that they display almost no observable symptoms now.

    There is already widespread knowledge of it’s medicinal properties and popularity is growing fast, but what I have yet to see is any reputable sources discussing how this actually works and how to actually use it in a way that would allow a person to consistently apply it to their day to day lives. Instead, I see a lot of misinformation and vague talk about the mystical side of the experience that cannot be applied with practicality, which renders each others’ experiences useless to others. It is my intention for this site to be the start of properly unraveling psilocybin’s mechanics and translating it so that maybe in the near future the right authorities in the medical field can take what is written here a step further, maybe creating entire systems in the field of psychoanalysis and psychotherapy that are far more effective than the ones that currently exist. I believe psilocybin is the straightest line towards finding the solutions to humanity’s biggest issues.

Before 5 years ago I was someone vehemently against substances. I would only ever drink alcohol (and only one or two times a year) my entire life and I would say no to anything else no matter how much people tried to convince me to, even substances considered far less of a risk factor than alcohol such as weed. Four and a half years ago I was prompted to do research on MDMA when I remembered old friends from my past telling me how it can help with communication, something my best friend had trouble with due to Asperger’s sometimes blocking her from efficiently formulating all her thoughts into well structured speech, which always made us bicker and argue over the simplest of things. Some people online made condescending comments about “serotonin depletion” and “brain damage”. They said, “we’ll see your brain in four years”.

It is now four years later and MAPS.org is coincidentally well into human clinical trials of MDMA-assisted therapy for people who showed resistance to conventional therapy and medications, all while at the same time my friend and I were periodically having scheduled sessions on MDMA. We were using it to share ideas, compare philosophies, teach each other new things, and work out our individual issues in life.

That same friend now has zero problems with any level of communication and is able to get into thought provoking complex philosophical and existential discussions with people and virtually all other symptoms of social shortcomings and social anxiety that stemmed from Asperger’s are now nowhere to be seen, to the extent that her own mother and family members commented on the drastic difference.

She had trouble speaking to her mother her entire life. Today, her mother constantly looks forward to visiting her so that they can chat and make up for that lost time. She has become someone that people consistently go to for advice and guidance on a wide area of general subject matter and has even become someone I rely on to translate my own thoughts when I have trouble explaining something to others. She’s become such an excellent communicator that she’s developed a skillful ability to read into what people mean frequently better than they themselves and thus has become reliable at mediating discussions or even quarrels between others. Today, the roles are reversed and she is the one mentoring me, about how to talk to people, about keeping in mind others’ feelings and shortcomings (things I was blind to prior, due to my own flaws as a person), and correcting me when I lose my way.

Somewhere in these four years, I was able to use MDMA to successfully help a friend quit their ever increasing cocaine addiction and it only took two sessions spread out across a few weeks. I also helped a friend quit cigarettes and all nicotine infused products, and to take control of their overly frequent weed use that was getting in the way of proper self care and daily routine. That same friend is now in a job that pays double what they use to get paid and was able to help their mother buy a new house. I am proud of their growth.

With the additional help of psilocybin (magic mushrooms) starting two years ago my friends and I helped someone completely stop being suicidal and change the direction of that person’s life from spiraling down a darker path than it already was. With the power of love and the persistence to follow my virtues combined with these two substances I was able to rehabilitate a sociopath, completely. He use to lie and manipulate every little thing just so they can get what they want while completely disregarding the respect of others or even considering right from wrong.  They’re now one of the most loving and empathetic person that I’ve known in my entire life and their desire to do good and stand up for what’s right has even clashed with me to correct me when my head wasn’t on right during my darkest moments. They’re now at the point where they’re able to go back to their mother and father and speak about the past and address issues that were untouchable prior, and their relationship has grown. 

These are not even all of the examples I can give but this is an idea of what I’ve done with MDMA and psilocybin. I’m currently writing a paper on Psilocybin that took me on a two year journey of hell to figure out before I even started truly writing it that I hope will become the first fundamental step towards giving the proper medical authorities the understanding they need to create entire systems around to help others. There have been a ridiculous amount of obstacles along the way, things that I would not wish on my worst enemy, but here we are, we’re finally at zero.

While under the effects of psilocybin, every thought that goes through your mind becomes amplified several times over. It would be effective to think of it like the strings on a musical instrument. When you tug on a string it swings back and forth, amplifying the energy originally used. The higher the level you go the greater the amplification multiplier, which is why you have to be increasingly more careful and more experienced the higher you go. Think of it like your thoughts are being experienced multiple times in quick succession, or sometimes all at the same time, which is why going into a shroom session with a negative mentality can cause you to dive deeper into that pessimistic view and potentially cause illogical thoughts.
It’s also important to note that the higher you go the closer to a dream state your mind becomes. Most of the areas of your brain becomes less active to give way to increased dynamic activity in other regions. Several studies have shown that the areas governing our sense of self becomes muted and other areas that don’t normally have cross-communication begin communicating. This has two profound effects on the person based off of my findings:

 

Pseudo-Dream State

    You become closer to a dream state, similar to dreaming while being awake which can cause hallucinations. Typically, hallucinations don’t only come from visual amplification of visual light, but from the act of imprinting the images you have in your mind onto your physical reality. This also means you’re required to access more conscious will power and possess more finesse in granular control over your thoughts to not lose yourself to either a bad trip, a fantasy trip, or a full dream state. While any shroom experience is going to eventually have it’s benefits, having a positive trip and is more likely to yield benefits in the long run (later on I’ll explain more on why it’s more beneficial to win at your shroom challenges later…). A full dream state would render you virtually unable to communicate with the real world, and I have seen people unable to understand or respond coherently to others while under this state. Just always remember that your mind is your own and no matter how much of the shroom experience anyone wants to state is you being taken for a ride they are absolutely wrong. We have to remember that we’re not always consciously in control of what thoughts goes through our minds and the amplification on psilocybin enhances that effect the higher the level you go. At the same time, it is 100% within our ability to be able to take control of our experiences as well, and that’s the idea I’m pushing for in all of this, because once you become comfortable in your own mind and learn the ins and outs, your triggers, the roots of your insecurities, how your mind reacts to insecurities, what makes you enter a positive momentum, and more importantly what set of logic and reasoning can get you into different themes of mental states, you’ll begin mastering your own mind. This is why it’s always wise to have one or more people you trust who will remain sober to accompany you and help you during each session.

    Furthermore, this dream state also linked to the region of the brain that governs ego becoming more muted. This is the area of your brain that is thought of by experts to govern your sense of self. As a personal anecdote and from observing several others, as well as judging from my own experience of over 300 sessions using what those in the psychedelic community would consider extremely heroic doses of psilocybin, I can tell you that this seems to be 100% correct. If you allow the experience to flow and enter a more ritualistic or meditative, basically a relaxed, state, you’re entering a state of thinking that one would best describe as one that is as devoid of personal bias as possible.

    Much of our world’s problems can be argued is rooted from some form of social disconnect. This is discussed in detail in the “Welcome Introduction” chapter. Even among our loved ones and our own selves, oftentimes unbeknownst to us, we harbor biases that can affect how we view things. Even if that bias causes a very small nudge towards one direction or causes us to view the weight of one variable differently, it can greatly affect our final calculations on things. Separating ourselves from these personal biases is a naturally extremely difficult thing to do and unless we had an entirely different set of people able to live in our minds to view exactly every thought that passes through, it is next to impossible for us to really be sure how clean of biases our thoughts are.

 

Cross Communication Causes Abstract Thinking

    One of the reasons a positive trip on magic mushrooms enhances your thinking ability is due to the cross communication between regions in your brain that don’t normally communicate which forces your mind to stop thinking linearly and instead think more abstractly. Logic is no longer formed in fragments of data but instead as entire complex whole sequences. To give an example, thinking linearly is like trying to reconcile a problem by having an inner monologue, which would be akin to an “If and then” statement, no different than a linear mathematical equation that’s read in one direction, or having to read the text in two pages of a book to get an idea of the setting, events and details that are happening in that particular scene in the story, whereas thinking in entire sequences would be like seeing the entire image of the setting and event without having to read word for word and line by line the two entire pages. Imagine for a minute that you’re only 1 inch tall and you’re stuck in a maze of a puzzle where you have to carry the correct pieces to the space it fits in and each piece is about your size with the entire maze being 5 feet by 5 feet wide. How much longer would that take compared to if you were a full sized human who could see the entire maze and saw all the pieces that needed to go into exactly what parts from one glance?

    Due to the cross communication allowing you to formulate far more abstract thoughts, you’ll often find yourself coming to conclusions that you never thought were possible, allowing you to process “logic” that you would normally not think of. This effect can also allow you to come up with angled perspectives that would otherwise be beyond the normal pattern of what your intuition operates at, effectively allowing you to see the chess-board, if you will, from multiple angles at once rather than just one. Perhaps even more importantly than showing you multiple angles, it can show you angles you would never even have imagined to look at, resulting in you being able to see answers you thought were impossible for you. As an example for a really bright side trip any level higher than 2, 90% of your problems that you once thought of were problems you end up realizing were not even really issues you should have been worried about and the remaining 10% you usually end up discovering a solution for at a pace and level of clarity that would surprise you. This increased ability for abstract thinking allows you to surpass what you could normally do with raw basic logic, especially since many of our problems as humans are emotion based and can’t be so easily solved with an “If and then” statement, and can more easily be solved when specific areas of your consciousness are in an open-minded state. After all, many of our problems usually stem from inner demons that we ourselves have cultivated with the insecurities we grew up with, and an elevated state of thinking from psilocybin allows us to usually directly bypass the noise presented to us from those insecurities.

    But why does this happen? This happens because of a few reasons. For one, achieving a positive trip on psilocybin inherently touches upon the positive feelings you have for yourself at that particular moment which feeds into your confidence. To put it simply, confidence is a key factor at winning the inherent battle on shrooms. Confidence and being in a happy momentum allows us to look at the equations of our problems optimistically which allows us to focus on the potential solutions instead of when we’re pessimistic and looking at all the negative reasons of why we can’t or might not be able to solve our problems. Have you ever had trouble with a difficult boss in a very punishing game and it caused you to become frustrated? I’m sure many have encountered this, but you may have noticed that often times putting down the controller and leaving for a little while to do something else before returning tends to yield more positive results. Sometimes, the boss even ends up surprisingly easy.

Confidence also kicks our consciousness into a state that overall allows us to think more efficiently. You become more decisive whereas a non-confident state increases hesitation, which amplifies doubt, which in turn closes the ability to visualize winning scenarios which would have brought potential solutions to the surface. Confidence also allows us to see difficult obstacles as challenges that need to be overcome instead of as objects to fear or avoid. Furthermore, getting snapped into a confident state while under the effects of psilocybin is nothing like being confident in the sober reality. It’s like an entire world altogether. The amplification intensifies the confidence in ways that, if it becomes controlled, focused, calm, and organized, you enter a state that not only enhances your ability to think, but I have found that it also causes lasting, and potentially permanent, therapeutic effects on the person’s psyche. I have observed multiple people change the way they tackle their problems after witnessing them go through some of their most positive experiences on shrooms. Issues that use to cripple them end up either being resolved or they are able to view it with a new angle which gives them a better perspective, giving them the ability to process that problem in a healthier manner. Perhaps to an even greater degree, extremely positive experiences on shrooms have caused these people to gain newfound interests, particularly in science and health, a dramatically increased ability to learn new skills, and mental health and clarity that has allowed them to be able to help others with their problems. It is because of this that the effects of the profound experience of confidence and enlightenment from an extremely positive shroom experience is something worth studying.

 

How Both Combine To Pull Us Away From The Filters Of Our Sober Reality

    Lastly, assuming a positive and conscious control over the trip has been acquired, the pseudo-dream state and the abstract thinking combine to pull us away from the filters of our sober self, which includes our insecurities and our negative reticular activating system. For those not familiar with the reticular activating system, or RAS for short, it is a network of neurons in our brain that mediate our behavior by acting as a sort of filter that prioritizes how we process certain pieces of information. When a person with a low self esteem and thinks lowly of themselves enters a social environment, like a classroom, they’re going to look around and look for every piece of info they can use as evidence for themselves that reaffirms their negative view of themselves. On the other hand, someone who is usually confident and thinks highly of their abilities is going to look for evidence to reaffirm that belief, such as fantasizing winning scenarios in a competitive situation. By acquiring a positive trip on shrooms, we increase our chances of bypassing our trained habits as well as our inherent insecurities. This works in several ways. The pseudo-dream state helps pull us away from the filters of the sober reality, allowing those who are in a positive state in their shroom trip to utilize the limitless imagination of the human mind to expand the field of possibilities instead of being riddled with the familiar limits of our known insecurities. This combines with the abstract thinking allowing us to view ourselves from a more varied looking glass, further allowing us to see past those self imposed limitations, habitual doubts, and insecurities. How this helps is very simple when one thinks about it, as most of our insecurities and limitations are self imposed, whether through repeat failures or some form of conditioning from our past experiences. By accessing a new lines of thoughts and new ways to pick apart and dissect ourselves, we start unraveling angles we otherwise would never would have been able to see due to our personal biases against ourselves.

    It is because of these mechanics that I strongly believe that our “sober self”, in a sense, without properly being tempered through the tests offered by psilocybin, is not our “real self”. How can it be? It is riddled with insecurities that further muddy the waters between us by crippling our ability to communicate and understand each other. We make irrational decisions and jump to conclusions because of these insecurities which aggravates the situation further. Most of the time we solve issues among one another is through open communication where all participants are being genuinely empathetic and honest with each other, but by planning how to win an argument it creates an environment where neither are seeking the truth which means they can get no closer to the solution. I’m a firm believer that the “real self” of each human being is one who has no desire or need to harm another human being in any way.

    On a different note, I want to add that since I do believe that psilocybin promotes neurogenesis and speeds up neuroplasticity of any activity being done while under it’s effects, it makes me wonder if this substance can one day be used to not just speed up therapy but also speed up people’s ability to learn new skills, both due to the enhanced neuroplasticity but also from the increased state of confidence.

    At the end of the day it’s simpler to think of shrooms less like a “drug” and more like a tool for you to see a version of your reality in a “hyper-state”. Once you begin mastering higher levels you begin to unravel the same conclusions all of my friends have come to, which is that shrooms is a priceless tool that can be used to solve your own problems whether it’s existential, personal, business, or more importantly your relationships and bonds with people. This is all under the assumption that it’s being used properly, with logic and reason, and you’re in control of your trip. Getting to that level of mastery takes time and patience, and the time and number of sessions it takes can vary greatly from person to person, although even a single dose can have profound lasting positive effects on most people. How honest you are with yourself plays a major role in how effective its medicinal effects can be and I have found that there are defined, unbreakable parameters within the shroom experience that everyone has to follow, and that no one is an exception to. These parameters are:

 

  1. Honesty with yourself. Your mind knows when you’re lying to yourself or when you’re running around with mental gymnastics trying to make yourself believe something you clearly know is not true. Keep in mind that this applies to every little thought that goes through your mind, including your autonomous ones you may not consciously be aware of every second. The human mind is a very complex thing and it can hide things from you, so don’t be surprised if you begin to find things out about yourself that you may be disappointed in. Humans are their own worst critic and this can become exacerbated. Negative feelings about yourself usually also manifest in negative physical discomfort. You can think of it as an amplified version of anxiety, because that’s exactly what it is.
  2.     True confidence. Sometimes the most confident people can find that they’re not as comfortable diving that deep into their own mind as they would have imagined and it always depends on how much of that confidence they exude is real and how much of it is purely themed into. On the other hand, confidence is also a state of being that can change from time to time, so even the truly confident can have a rough time and the experience still requires for them to take control of their consciousness by accessing that “warrior” side of themselves that can carry them through hardships, especially at higher levels (4+).
  3.     Understanding and remembering fully that you are under the influence of a psychedelic substance, one that specifically puts your consciousness to the test. The funny thing about shrooms is that while one would assume that having an intelligent, smart, strong willed person would mean that person automatically has access to easier control over their experience, but in actuality it’s also a double edged sword because those sort of people are usually also the ones who have more complex mazes in their mind to deal with. A more intelligent and stronger will usually poses an equally more difficult mental challenge. The shroom experience must be respected by every individual that decides to take it, even by those extremely experienced. Even after 300 sessions of what’s considered extremely high doses, I have found that I still have to respect not just every session but every minute I’m in it even today. I have gone through countless existential crisises over my two year journey and I can tell you with great certainty that as your consciousness goes through these mental challenges, as you defeat your demons head on, your mind finds new and creative ways to deal a critical blow, ways that are above and beyond whatever mental state of power you achieved up to that point. It wasn’t until I went through the worst experience of my life, twice (once to experience it, twice to face it head on to directly fix the psychological issues that led up to the unavoidable hell I created for myself) that I was able to finally reach what I now consider to be the end of my spiritual journey, or at least the part of it that would continue to pose as a serious threat to my consciousness. It took everything I had, the help of several brilliant friends who are amazing at understanding me, and a specific and permanent change in my own way of thinking to fully defeat that final existential crisis. I would like for my journey (which I will write about in a separate paper) to be a learning experience for everyone else so that they don’t have to go through what I went through. You could say, I went through the existential crisises so that no one else has to.
  4.     Your state of mind as you begin a session plays a major role on how your trip goes due to your unconscious grabbing onto the thoughts you previously had, sometimes going as far back as the few hours before you even started ingesting. I’m at the point where I can start taking shrooms unplanned, but that’s mostly because of me completing my own journey, and even then it’s still always better for me to create a positive mental environment for myself before starting. This is why I recommend gathering around with trusted friends and family that you hold dear and having a good discussion before starting a session. You get extra points if you start out with an MDMA session before starting shrooms (see the MDMA and Shrooms combination section for more info).

Thoughts:

I once asked a close friend of mine what he thought the most concise way of describing what psilocybin essentially is. At the time I just wanted to get an idea of his understanding. At this point he had experienced just below two dozen sessions. He called it “a bridge to the real you”. I disagreed. Psilocybin isn’t the bridge, it’s essentially just you. And over 300 heroic doses later, that still holds true for me today. Every thought, whether fantasy or logical, bad or good trip, everything you experience on psilocybin comes from your own mind. You’re essentially in a state that’s more “you” in a lot of ways than your sober self depending how you look at it. I truly believe that in the future, once the world starts seeing psychedelics in a different light and humanity has gotten to the point where they realize the full potential of psilocybin in particular, it will become a commonly understood belief that a spiritual journey through this substance is a fundamentally necessary step for all humans to undertake, not just to become the healthiest version of themselves mentally and emotionally, but in order to fully process their reality (eg: their relationships and bonds with others, communication, understanding and putting into perspective emotions, putting into perspective their goals, ambitions, and personal desires, reconciling and fully processing insecurities, etc.).


Level 0.2 – 0.3:


You become aware that you’ve ingested psilocybin. Extremely mild visual changes occur such as colors becoming slightly more saturated, but usually not likely and you’ll most likely just perceive a slight feeling that you’re not entirely sober. I call this level a “mini-dose”, a dose that’s too high to be considered a microdose because there is enough perceptible difference in your experience compared to sober but not high enough to be considered on a level that can truly begin taking advantage of psilocybin.

You’re more likely to use these levels to help enhance normal activities such as learning a new skill (eg: piano, singing, writing, studying, etc.).

Some people might react to the changes of going from completely sober to not being sober by getting slight feelings of anxiety. Bad trips should not be possible here and the feeling is almost always guaranteed to go away once you acclimate to the level, and virtually guarantees you a positive side of this particular level.


Level 0.4 – 0.7:


If you did not begin experiencing colors becoming more saturated at lower levels then you’ll have a more likely chance to now, although it’s important to note that everyone begins to see visual changes at varying levels from person to person. Certain soft surfaces such as fabrics like a thick blanket might seem like they’re “breathing” which is most likely due to your heightened vision reconciling the surface texture pattern.


Level 0.8 – 1.2:


Considered truly being under the effects of a small dose of psilocybin, you begin to feel a certain “weightfulness” to your headspace. It is still possible for some to not see any changes in their perception but those who do will notice colors are more saturated or vibrant. For some, an increased awareness of depth becomes more apparent between the compared distance between objects from you (eg: objects that are positioned behind each other become more apparent visually as the distance between them becomes more pronounced). I tend to call this the “3D Effect”.

Another type of 3D effect may occur with posters on your wall, especially with rounded objects in the image (eg: an image of an orb or sphere in the poster might seem like it’s slightly popping out of the wall because your brain is reconciling the way the orb’s shadows express it’s spherical shape).

Music may begin to sound audibly “better” to you. Abstract and more complex thinking compared to the sober reality becomes possible, which can enhance problem solving, enhance focus on a task such as work, greater potential for art, enhanced physical finesse (eg: I had finished peeling a grapefruit with a knife and my friend wanted it back to put it away but I started teasing her around by hiding it behind me and was somehow able to randomly do tricks with it by flipping it around my fingers. This was surprising to all of us, including ME, because I had never done or practiced doing anything like that before in my life. I was just as shocked as everyone else as I was doing it  It was as if I was a witness to my own hand moving on it’s own just like everybody else was. To this day, we attribute enhanced abilities like this to heightened finesse due to an increase in the combination of confidence and focus, two things that being under the effects of psilocybin can greatly enhance and synergize in ways that usually require intense sessions of focus in the sober reality), and can increase your ability to communicate and understand each other.


 

Level 2:

Essentially a more powerful version of level 1, the headspace feeling becomes a lot “heavier”. This is the level where I recommend the person should begin maintaining a very conscious level of self awareness that they ingested psilocybin and to ground themselves in reality because this is where bad trips can start to become possible. For most people, this should be a relatively easy level to acclimate to, and the style of bad trips (if you do enter one) should remain very psychological and earthly. Things like paranoid thoughts, being untrusting of some people in your life or someone you’re thinking about, and doubts in general can start to come to the surface but it’s important to do your best to remind yourself that you should not try to solve those issues right at that moment as it’s always going to be better to return to them when you’re in a much more positive mindset, or as I like to call it, the “bright side” of the high. I have discovered that the human brain enters a special state when under the effects of the “bright side” of a trip that allows the person to solve problems at miraculously heightened levels of intuition.

Most will have started to see colors become more vibrant and more contrasted. All cerebral enhancements detailed in level 1 are all further increased (eg: creativity, abstract thinking, communication, physical finesse, learning ability, etc.).

 

My friend described level 2 as the following (transcribed from an audio recording):
“To me level 2 is like, you’ve entered the gateway of an entirely different zone than being sober, and your mind is basically forced into a mode whether you like it or not where you’re smarter, more perceptive, to have more complex thoughts, seeing more angles of other people’s perspectives when they talk about things. I’m basically forced into a smarter state without my consent, which essentially throws you into an entirely different reality because you’re seeing everything with a much wider and deeper looking glass. And the room matches how my brain feels too, with everything having way more depth, my vision becomes better, at least seemingly so. Everything becomes a full on 3D effect, so it’s like a completely different reality. I’m basically kicked into what you know is the zone of amplification.”


Level 3:


Unlike the levels below this, entering level 3 introduces changes to your consciousness that from my experience are fundamentally different than the gradient of changes between 0.4 to 2, mainly due to the extremity of the amplifcation at this level and the amount of your brain trying to enter a dream state (higher theta wave levels, lower beta wave levels if perceived through an EEG machine). It’s due to this that I cannot describe level 3 as merely a more intense version of level 2.

At this level, extremely abstract thoughts dominate your mind. You may find yourself pondering cosmic thoughts, becoming curious about the physics of the universe and it’s philosophical implications, or coming to conclusions or thought exercises concerning topics that you normally would never be able to naturally think about. An example would be to take two entirely different thoughts, such as a memory of an event that happened in the past and a conversation with a close friend that had nothing to do with that event, but somehow being able to connect the two and coming to a conclusion for something, anything, maybe a problem or issue you were having in life, and it will somehow make complete sense to you. If you remained as objective and grounded in reality as possible, and the balance between being in a pseudo-dream state and your ego being intact to not lose footing was kept in check, you’re essentially “rewarded” with the ability to apply the things you learned in a practical way into your day to day life. This is why it’s fundamentally important to remain conscious at higher levels, because it’s the only way you’re going to be able to translate very abstract thoughts into useful insights into your life. Going into a full blown fantasy, which I have witnessed, will also have long-term therapeutic effects on the person, but staying grounded in reality by not losing your consciousness to the trip (in other words, that temporary “ego death” that people refer to as giving them a sense of “oneness with the Universe” or that they’re “talking to higher beings”) will yield better results and I believe everyone embarking on these types of journeys deserves to experience the “brightest side” of high levels of the psilocybin experience because it’s only when you know the peak can you truly know, not just the potential, but to know what to constantly strive for with each session (in a different section, I will be going into detail about my first ever level 5+ bright side experience, which is what started this all for me in the first place and why experiencing that was absolutely necessary for me to even know the unquantifiable potential that this substance has for the future of humanity).

Unlike level 2 where you become more intuitive with understanding other people and see more angles to whatever they’re discussing, level 3 tries to be more of an individualistic and very inward experience. Instead of simply observing others’ with a wider view, you start coming up with your own unique thoughts and analysis, things that you normally would not have been able to see if you were at lower levels.

Mild visuals such as objects warping or your friends’ head structures changing can start happening if you’re not fully in control, or in other words, in a completely positive side of the trip. It’s important to understand that there’s varying levels to this effect. For example, early on in the first 100 doses I’ve ever taken I had several sessions where I was sure I was in a relatively positive side of my trip but one of my friends’ jaws was still warping just a bit. I made sense of it right away because I also knew what a truly extremely positive side of the trip feels like at those levels (it was level 5) so I knew there was room for improvement in my level of control.

If you can achieve an extremely positive, fully in control state at this level, what happens is that everything ends up looking normal (other than the 3D depth effect and saturated colors, basically as long as nothing is warping) and things that are straight end up looking even “straighter”. I’m aware that does not make much sense, but it’s the best way I can describe it. For instance, my bed frame which are straight metal bars, or the rectangular windows, or the edges of countertops, all end up looking as if they’ve become even more solid and that “extra straightness” is being represented through that along with sort of what looks to be a sheen across the lines of their edges. That silverish line or sheen that gets added to anything straight around your room is important for me to specify here in particular because it’s something that has always been consistent with me achieving a state of extreme control over my trip. It has always accompanied trips where my mind is working at it’s most efficient and I’m at my happiest state at really high levels. When my friends eventually reached the point where they experienced these same visuals, it was parallel with the fact they were also going through the brightest side of their trips and they were reporting magnificent levels of control.


 

Level 4:

Level 4 is a very special place for all who take the journey to self improvement very seriously. Here, especially for those still on their way to self mastery, everything gets tested. The test is to the extent that I tend to view level 4 as a “gatekeeper”. It’s like a wall that stands between you and level 5, which is where you ultimately want to be if you want to master your ego to the fullest extent. The amplification becomes so great that this is where experience is less of a factor than the actual health of your present mental state and your readily accessible will power. Ironically, yet non-ironically, the first time I arrived at the bright side of level 4 was also the first time I would eventually achieve level 5 shortly after, but that was only because of a specific set of factors that were going on in my life at the time that to this day I consider myself very lucky and fortunate to have experienced. Essentially, half of the reason I performed so well under such high levels of amplification was because of a beautiful accident, one that I will always be eternally grateful for because if I had not experienced level 5 right then, I would not be so sure if I’d be writing this paper two years later today. It was because of that first time that I was able to attempt these levels again and again. It was able to do it because I knew what mental state, what level of control was expected of me, and that there was even such a state of consciousness to go after in the first place.

Level 4 can put your mind through several tests and it’s at this level that even the most experienced can fall apart and enter full blown fantasy. A bad trip here can easily become one of the worst experiences of your life (but I guess, at least it will all be in your head?). It’s essentially a tight rope act, a delicate balance between keeping your focus and your ego grounded in reality as fantasy bleeds into reality. By maintaining your “self”, you are able to come up with and understand extremely abstract concepts due to the nature of such extreme levels of amplification.

If the visuals at level 3 are mere warping of objects and people, level 4 can make everything look completely different, so don’t get shocked if your friend ends up looking like a completely different entity. Keep in mind and always try to remember that there is always a psychoanalytical reason behind everything that you’re seeing. This is easier said than done as by the time you’re seeing those kinds of visuals you’ll already be stuck in the mental state you’re currently in. If you are convinced of something and you are in a bad trip, it can sometimes take more than just logic to get you out of it. You’ll have to utilize your self awareness, memories, objectivity, and mental finesse to deploy mental tricks to get yourself out of already being in it. It’s important to note that logic is not as basic as 2+2 when psilocybin is involved.

Sometimes the visuals do not always have to be negative as you can also experience very positive ones such as the time I saw several beautiful sparkles of diamond, glass-like entities about the size of small butterflies floating and hopping around the living room and a blue silver-ish glow was radiating off of me and everything I was wearing. It was parallel to how I felt at the time, which was an intense, unrivaled sense of peace and tranquility in complete harmony with a powerful sense of conviction, responsibility, duty, and overwhelming invincibility. So as you can see, even in an extremely positive state one can still see incredible visuals, but there will always be psychological and emotional reasons behind those visuals and it’s up to you and the people who know you best to dissect and analyze what they mean, not just to know yourself better but to possibly gain some sort of useful message from the insight.

You might also find that it’s becoming more difficult to relay into spoken language the things that you are coming up with in your mind. It becomes increasingly clear that language is extremely limited in your attempts to explain the abstract ideas flowing in your mind. A friend said it best, (taken from an audio recording) “I become aware that there’s so much more to my words than what I want to say. It’s amazing because you know that whatever you’re thinking on level 4 that there’s an entirely different world than what’s going to come out of your mouth and whatever you’re going to say is never going to be the full extent of how you actually feel because English is never going to be enough to explain how you feel. And you realize that on level 4.”

And on the subject of focus and control:
“Level 4 is this crazy intensity where if I’m not focusing I’m going to get lost in my own thoughts. I can feel my thoughts amplified. When I let myself get too zoned out, I can feel the amplification. I can feel my thoughts and whatever I’m thinking going back and forth in my head. So what I have to do is really focus on what people are saying or focus on my task or I’m really going to get lost in my amplification.”

On the other hand, by the time someone reaches this point, they would have already reached a point in their growth that no outside influences, such as the world and the countless elements that make up society, can take away what you’ve gained for yourself. The beauty of growing on psilocybin is that your sense of self cannot be taken from you. Your ground becomes yourself and you become your own greatest hero. You will be far less prone to emotional or psychological manipulation by the people and the systems of the world. This is not to say things such as the loss of a loved one or heart break from a romantic partner won’t effect you, as those two examples in particular are fundamentally embedded deep within each of us. Loved ones, are a part of ourselves whether we like it or not. But, you’ll be several orders of magnitude more emotionally and psychologically equipped to take in any pain and suffering you receive, because you will know who you are.


Level 5:


It is important to note that level 5 is not a ceiling, but the “start” of something else entirely.

This is where some people report losing their ego completely and return with experiences such as, “becoming one with the Universe”, “talking to otherworldly, alien or godlike beings”, and “being transported to a different world”, very much like a breakthrough on DMT. But as this paper strongly stands behind, it’s when you keep your ego through such a state that allows you to view the experience consciously to allow you to better reconcile the things you learn from it and bring it back down with you to the sober reality. To keep yourself grounded in reality and your ego intact at this level of amplification offers you not just the greatest answers to questions you may have about yourself, your problems, and your life, but what will undoubtedly be the most profound experiences of your life.

Unfortunately, this level is something that even today I still find extremely difficult to write about. I only have my own experiences at this level as a framework as none of my friends have consistently been successful at fully controlling this state enough number of times, and not even me going through over 300 doses of this level is enough because no matter how many times I tried, the experience continues to show me that it isn’t something I can reliably translate into language. I also believe that the experience, or at least the discovery of it, should be unique to each individual and to attempt to explain it would not give it justice. All I can do is share my own experience upon my own initial discovery of it.

As I’ve said before, this is the level that changed the course of my life entirely and it’s why I even embarked on a two year journey, painstakingly dealing with existential crisis after existential crisis in hopes of slowly being able to pick apart the mechanics of the experience and how to translate it for everyone else. While I grew up with my own sense of virtue and my own set of code to follow, I was nowhere near as altruistic of a person until that experience, in fact, I would tell you I was a bad human being. Yet, I changed dramatically as a person over the course of the few hours of the experience. For anyone who knew me well prior to this moment, they would have been in disbelief at the contrast of my personality from before and after. If one were to tell the me before this experience all of the challenges that I would have to go through in order to do something good for humanity, I would have said “Hell no”, but that first level 5 changed me so drastically because I was shown a series of epiphanies and realizations about the world in a very special way that I could not ignore. The information that was loaded into my consciousness was as if someone was rewriting the very code that allowed me to operate.

One of the main reasons for writing this paper is to let you all know that you are not alone in your journey to self discovery. It is my hope, that by the time anyone has reached the point in which the words I share concerning my experiences on level 5 will matter to them that they find security and guidance in my words.

If you plan on using psilocybin for self improvement in any way, whether it’s to help with psychological or emotional ailments, or because you seek to strengthen yourself, it’s important to keep yourself grounded in reality. Allowing yourself to reconcile beliefs or conclusions based off of fantasy ideas (eg: aliens, machine elves, speaking to god, etc.), especially if they’re completely going against known facts or sciences then you’ll increase your chances of going into a cycle of creating fantasies for yourself, which can result in making it more difficult for you to use the potential of psilocybin in practical and useful ways in your daily life. Even worse, it stops you from having anything useful to offer others. Telling someone else that you were able to see gnomes or fairies instead of trying to psychoanalyze the experience is not going to be useful to that person.

Before I continue, I’d like to point out that I am by no means stating that one should not bother exploring the fantasy worlds that exist in their minds, nor am I saying there’s no merit to doing so because there most certainly is. Whether you’re going through a fantasy trip or one grounded in reality, both will have lasting therapeutic effects on you, psychologically, emotionally, and I dare even say neurophysiologically. I’m not here to stop you from believing what you want to believe if it’s what makes you tick and it makes you happy just as long as it’s not causing you to hurt yourself or anyone else.

Everyone’s experience can vary greatly, and I find that a person’s beliefs can paint the initial journey (eg: someone who is Christian might reconcile speaking to their higher self as instead speaking with “God”, while someone who grew up grounding their beliefs around science might reconcile the same experience as speaking with “aliens”). But ask yourself this, what will believing in fantasy beliefs do for you in how you interact with other people? With the people at your job or career? With your clients? What practical good will believing in things that go against known facts and known science do? Believing that you spoke to a higher being for instance is fine and all if that’s the only way you can feel comfortable with reconciling what you experienced, and there are no negative effects I can think of off the top of my head immediately that would make that a bad thing as long as you don’t go around trying to convert everyone else, but what it does do is stop you from exploring further analysis on your experience. Maybe it was not a higher being. That it wasn’t “God”, or an “alien”. Maybe it was just a moment of extreme intuition trying to give you a message. And maybe that message was meant to be psychologically analyzed based off of the things you understand about yourself and your past to potentially unravel a solution to a lifelong recurring issue? This is just one example of how jumping on taking fantasies too seriously can impede on the extent and rate of your growth.

The second main reason for taking absolute full conscious control of the shroom experience is due to the fact that when done correctly takes a more conscious and active advantage of the characteristics of the substance. Unlike a more relaxed and meditative state, this state causes higher beta waves (when scanned under an EEG machine) and lower alpha and delta waves. Beta waves are associated with the strong feeling of a sense of self. This is the state that I am usually focusing my therapeutic journeys on throughout my time studying this substance, as anything else at level 4-5 on psilocybin can be chalked up as a “dream state” and difficult to reconcile when coming back to the sober reality. Unfortunately it takes a lot of time and practice to be able to keep yourself grounded at that level and maintain your sense of self completely intact. The reward for doing so is being able to reconcile your thoughts and problems while being able to take advantage of the highest levels of amplification, being able to remember each thought properly, having an easier chance to translate the experience to others and to paper for a better psychological breakdown of it, and to be able to communicate like normal to those physically around you while being completely you and not a version of you  that’s off in a dream state somewhere.

Continuously being at this state, regardless of shroom level, also allows you to take advantage of neuroplasticity, a mechanism referring to our brain’s ability to form new neural connections. For instance, you can learn a new skill such as drawing or the piano, and the amplified state and necessary requirement of confidence on shrooms would propel your ability to learn new things into a rate of learning that would otherwise be unreachable while being sober, all while the mechanics discussed in “Hyper-Moment: The Illusion Of Time Dilation” would allow you to get the most out of your experience. Put in simpler terms, practicing something while under the effects of psilocybin for 5 hours could potentially produce improvements that would have normally taken much longer. As to how much longer, I can’t know but a safe bet is a multiplier of two or three is a good estimate. It’s difficult to be sure though because the benefits might be far more than what I can even write about when you take into account other beneficial effects such as the cross-communication between different regions in the brain. That particular mechanism can potentially be extremely helpful for artistic endeavors.

Time can appear to feel longer than normal and the multiplier can vary greatly from person to person and from session to session, but a single group will usually synchronize with each other within a shared session on psilocybin. I first experienced this effect on one of my first times when my friends and I started noticing that we were going through several topics of conversation in an alarmingly short time. We would go through countless topics and then check the time only to find that a fraction of what we perceived actually elapsed. What we would swear felt like 60 minutes was actually 7 minutes, and this pattern would repeat itself without fail for several hours. It got to the point where we started timing ourselves with a voice recorder just to make sure we weren’t just hallucinating. The results were the same. It was a mind blowing experience at the start of our journey and this experienced effect is one of the first hints to me of the potential for psilocybin’s usefulness. Imagine scientists and experts in their respective fields being able to go through several topics in a fraction of the time. We could accomplish a lot as a species, but only if the use of this substance is further understood

My hypothesis on why this effect occurs:
The experience comes from a combination of being in a state of abnormal levels of extreme focus, being able to understand each other more efficiently, and being in a state where every granular piece of new knowledge comes with it an entire series of profound understanding at unspoken levels of comprehension. The extreme focus submits your mind to perceiving every moment that passes by more consciously, while the ability to understand each other more efficiently allows you to go through more topics in a shorter time, and being in a state where every new thing is understood with a higher density of clarity and comprehension gives the person the perception that every moment is packed with a higher value. Having fun gaining and sharing knowledge and wisdom on Psilocybin makes time feel slower than the fun you experience in conversations at random parties or playing video games where the old saying, “time flies when you’re having fun”, because in those scenarios each piece of information that’s shared or absorbed is not intrinsically and spiritually valuable to you as a person. Those moments are not adding new pieces of yourself to you. The feeling one gets from a deep sense discovery and realization from an epiphany cannot be replicated.

Every thought, including everything you feel with your five senses becomes amplified several times over while under the effects of psilocybin. It would actually be simpler to think of it as you experiencing everything multiple times in quick succession, sort of like an echo. Much like echoes, the speed and intensity of its frequency can vary from time to time depending on different variables. The same happens to your senses under the effects of psilocybin. A “decay” refers to when something you’ve sensed, whether it’s a part of a song you played or a pattern on an object you stared at, dissipates slower than normal, like an echo gradually disappearing after several instances. The instance perceived is amplified several times over but stretched out over a longer duration.

This can manifest to your senses in many different ways. In some sessions, I’ll leave the room after several hours thinking I’m on my way down from my trip but as soon as I enter a room that’s more quiet like the bathroom I’ll start faintly hearing pieces of one of the songs that was played hours ago in my head. Sometimes sensory decay can be a gap of milliseconds apart or as many as several hours apart. When it’s happening in milliseconds it can cause visual patterns of light to become more pronounced and exaggerated, such as when you have special fx lights on and they become further distorted and complex in pattern due to the rate of amplification being stretched out and each instance disappearing slower than normal. Experienced users of psilocybin will know what I am referring to. Another easy example is when you start seeing familiar faces on the surfaces of objects such as on a fabric like a blanket or on the cover of a couch. I remember several times where I was seeing my best friend’s face repeated on the patterns of the designs on a blanket where each image of her face was a familiar moment from old memories. What made it even more interesting is that some of those instances were from moments in our past that was as far back as 5 years prior. I believe that being under the effects of psilocybin at the time was probably pulling from deeply rooted memories and imprinting it onto my vision.

Almost every piece of the experience on magic mushrooms can be reconciled with science, logical reasoning, and psychological analysis. I say almost only because there are still areas I am still exploring and there are parts that, quite possibly, we as humans may never understand unless humanity as a whole begins exploring this as a collective.

    An observation my friends and I have made concerning MDMA and how it affects psilocybin covers two distinct ways. First, we have discovered that you can take MDMA, have a session with your closest friends like you typically would (eg: discuss and solve issues or misunderstandings, process and try to reconcile past traumas, or just have a positive an enlightening social setting), and then administer psilocybin right at the tail end of MDMA’s effects. We have noticed, with 100% consistency, that the positive enforcement left over from MDMA’s tail end aids in the initial entry that comes with the onset of the psilocybin experience, resulting in a much easier time entering a positive state. The second way is by directly combining both simultaneously, specifically by first taking MDMA and waiting an hour and a half in (the typical time it takes for MDMA to peak and gives you time to enter a social setting), which results in an entirely different experience that is neither MDMA nor psilocybin. This experience has shown, with strong results, that this might very well be one of the key ways a person can tackle issues that either substances taken alone can’t resolve. One of those is the inability to intrinsically feel empathy when you’ve lived your life towards the extreme end of practicing that lack of empathy, such as being a psychopath.

    Those experienced with MDMA will know that MDMA is a very social, internal, and empathy-focused substance. I am referring to true, pure MDMA. Let me be clear here and state that for every person who has told me they have tried “real” MDMA, each one has stated after actually trying out the real thing that they realized they were not experiencing the same exact effects, which doesn’t surprise me. Most MDMA sold in the streets has been found to either be laced with other substances (which are almost always going to be harmful substances) or contain no MDMA at all. So before I continue here I want to make it clear that the information held here only works with pure MDMA. There is nothing like MDMA when it comes to the social and loving portion of the experience, not even it’s closest relatives (eg: methylone, MDA, MDEA, MBDB, etc.), and I’ll go as far as saying none of them are as known to be as safe either just based on understanding their pharmacokinetics.

    MDMA typically elicits a strong sense of positive feelings, greatly enhanced sociability, and strong feelings of love and empathy, typically towards those you already have a strong bond with. It may also allow a person to feel their innermost desires and thoughts, which can range from a person’s hidden or suppressed traumas, to a person’s honest and unbiased view of things. Typically, in our everyday lives we harbor all kinds of biases we’re not consciously aware of. These biases can stem from discrete packets of insecurities, whether major or minor, that pervades our consciousness completely unbeknownst to us. It affects how we view things and how we go about our daily activities, such as how we react to people and how we make decisions. It can even affect the opinions we publicly express to others. MDMA can help mediate these insecurities and not only make us aware of them but allow us to process them in a way that either helps us resolve them or at the very least allow us to view issues while taking into consideration those insecurities and putting them to the side. This is where the magic of MDMA truly occurs and it’s what can allow MDMA to be a key element by acting as a bridge for people to communicate in a more honest, forward, and understanding setting.

    The medicinal and therapeutic effects of MDMA is well touted in numerous studies, especially in several human clinical trials that have been done and are still currently being done by MAPS (Multidisciplinary Association for Psychedelic Studies | Site: https://maps.org/). If you want to know more about MDMA, I suggest you read through their studies on it as this website will instead focus on the lesser known potentials of MDMA outside of PTSD and what it’s currently been studied for as well as the much less understood, in fact, severely misunderstood effects of psilocybin.

    From anecdotal experience, the extent of what MDMA can be used for is far reaching and I believe once the world starts to understand it’s full potential we can begin developing entire structures of not just medicinal and psychotherapeutic practices, but also entire structures of thought based around the abstracts that do exist in human communication. One of those potentials I’ve witnessed myself over a prolonged period is MDMA being able to help attenuate the socially crippling symptoms of Asperger’s syndrome, a social disorder. You can read about this person’s first hand experience of this on the following link: https://beyondtheparallax.com/#tab-3
This, to me, shows MDMA has the potential to help those with other types of severe social issues. I am a close friend of the person who wrote that page, so I was there to observe their growth throughout those four years. I have always suspected that MDMA, through observing her behavior and explanations on the matter and combining it with my own analysis of the inner changes that I could feel within my own self each time we took it that our brains were entering a state of increased neuroplasticity (a mechanism in the brain that allows it to reorganize, based on influences such as our activities, to form neuron connections, such as when you become a really good piano player after playing the piano enough number of times), and since we were focused on communicating our thoughts with one another and discussing different subject matter, we were effectively practicing socialization. I believe this increased plasticity can be applied to other forms of activities such as learning new sciences or practicing activities that are proven to help minimize other disabilities.

    But there is another important effect that MDMA produces and it’s one that is very well known to those who are familiar with it. MDMA typically results in a very positive mood in every individual under its effects and it’s this extreme positivity and increased sense of well being that my friends and I have discovered can be used to catapult someone into an easier entry into psilocybin, which as you have read throughout this site, is inherently a battle.




Mechanism #1: Psilocybin right at the tail end of an MDMA session

    Typically, for many, the entry phase of the psilocybin experience can be the most mentally taxing and one that can be crucial in setting up the flavor of your session, mainly because it’s when your consciousness is acclimating from the sober, completely unamplified state, to the amplified reality of magic mushrooms. It’s like traveling from one world where it has Earth’s gravity towards another world where there’s stronger gravity, you’re going to feel that difference because you’re going through that change. By taking psilocybin right at the tail end of MDMA, typically where there’s about 10-15% left of your high, you’ll effectively catapult yourself straight into your shroom experience without ever feeling that “rise” or “come up”. You’ll basically get to “bypass” the portion where you’d need to “battle” your way through what some would normally have to go through before they can enter a positive state. I say some because not everyone has active psychological demons to contend with (it depends how high you’re going) and not every session is the same, but this method virtually reduces all risk of a bad trip at the initial phase.

    And since you’ll arrive into your shroom experience in a very positive mindset, both from the positive feelings MDMA gives you and from the very active and most likely loving and fun setting between you and your friend(s), you’ll arrive into it on the bright side.

    Please be advised  that you have to be very sure to not miss that 10-15% window. If you begin being affected by psilocybin too early you’ll effectively combine the two substances and you’ll get an entirely different experience that is neither psilocybin nor MDMA and if you are too late and you’re past being affected by MDMA, you’ll have missed the point in which cross tolerance from MDMA becomes too strong and you’ll need to take way more psilocybin than usual to get the same effect. I have found that 10-15% of leftover MDMA is low enough that they don’t combine so as to not change the shroom experience (which has a very unique set of merits on it’s own) but not late enough that the tolerance from MDMA kicks to the point that it might even require 3-4x the amount of psilocybin just to get the same targeted level.

    I want to add that I do believe there is merit, especially for those in their first few sessions starting out, in navigating through their rise on shrooms. It allows you to process your issues and gives you opportunity to get to know your mind better. The rise is also where many hidden secrets your mind hides from you that may be valuable to study and psychoanalyze.

    In addition to being catapulted into an easier shroom experience, there is one very useful effect from doing psilocybin after an MDMA session. MDMA users will be familiar with the fatigue and comedown of MDMA, especially for those who are not used to it and who don’t supplement (alpha-lipoic-acid, L-carnitine, astaxanthin, green leaf extract, coq10, etc.) prior to taking it. Some users also swear by using marijuana to help with the potential fatigue and negative comedown that may follow MDMA but what I’m about to share with you here is nothing short of miraculous. Psilocybin after MDMA will strip away the entirety of any negative feelings MDMA leaves you with. In fact, the very next day, or even the same day later on if you’re still awake, will leave you feeling absolutely no fatigue or tiredness. Instead, you’ll feel a huge physical and productive afterglow that will leave you feeling like working on your next project as soon as possible. It feels like you never took MDMA the day prior at all. In fact, this effect seems to also manifest if you take psilocybin after sobering up from alcohol. I very rarely drink, but in the few times I have tried it, I was even able to use psilocybin to seemingly forcibly sober me up. It would seem, at least anecdotally, that psilocybin may have some potentially neuroprotective effects.



Mechanism #2: Combining both to produce a third experience

    Before I begin I want to emphasize that MDMA and psilocybin, taken separately, each has their own set of positive merits that I believe the other cannot replicate. While there are a few overlaps in what ailments they can help people with, what they do and how your consciousness operates in each of them has profoundly different mechanisms that will ultimately lead to entirely different extremes of what either can potentially offer you. I strongly believe this is important to know.

    You begin by first administering MDMA and waiting for the onset to subside and one has arrived at the peak of their experience. Now, you can either immediately take the desired psilocybin dose you want or you can wait 30 minutes to an hour and use that time to get into a momentum of constructive discussion. This helps to further cement your consciousness into a positive state to enhance the chances of productivity for your shroom experience later. Once you’re ready, you administer your desired dose of psilocybin and wait for it’s effects to begin.

    What you’ll find, for those who are very familiarized with both separately, is the experience is nothing like either and the synergistic effect feels like an entirely new substance altogether. But what’s special here is not in how it feels, but what it’s emotional and neuropsychological effects are, not even just during it, but after it. My friends and I have discovered that combining both has permanent or lasting effects on a person’s ability to intrinsically feel empathy. This effect is observed even more so at greater extremes if the person was someone who typically had very little empathy, such as sociopaths and psychopaths, or anyone who generally keeps their feelings for others subdued or suppressed. This means the combination can be used on those where neither substances when used alone were unable to provide the desired effect towards enhancing empathy.

    Why the obsession with empathy you might ask? Empathy is what allows one person to put themselves in the shoes of another. That makes empathy one of the core elements most important to humanity when it comes to being able to fix how we view and treat each other. If a person can empathize with another’s unique experiences, the understanding gained can enlighten that person towards a state where a conversation can occur instead of no conversation at all. The fact that empathy and compassion is a crucial element in this ongoing battle for humanity to save itself from each other is nothing new and it is a well understood concept. Unfortunately, as simple as it is, the world is lacking in how it actively practices it, especially on the internet where people can remain anonymous or at a distance and therefore feel free to attempt to hurt others because of the seeming lack of consequences.

 

 

My Personal Experience Combining:

    My experience in combining both, based on what I’ve seen and what I’ve been told by others, seems to not be typical and may only be an experience unique to me due to the specific way I have lived my life. By the time I tried the combination, I was already well into my journey on shrooms for years and I had mastered being able to go to level 5+. My friends urged me to try it because they noticed it’s profound and powerful effects on empathy and anyone who knows me well knows that empathy was something that I always had trouble with throughout my life, even after years with loving and caring friends helping me with it through MDMA and psilocybin sessions. I won’t get into those details here but to give you an idea of how robotic I made myself to be with how I grew up, the day I first took this combination felt like I was combining oil and water. I kid you not, it seriously had an oil in water feel to it. It was almost as if I could draw out in the space in front of me the very shape of how much of my consciousness was feeling the MDMA and trace the shape of where the shroom trip was. It was a very confusing experience for me to the point I had to outright ask my friends, “So….this synergizes well with you guys? Like does it feel like one substance?”, to which they all responded with yes.

    One thing I also noticed during the session was that I had no control over the shroom portion of my experience. The usual mental tricks and methods I deployed to take control of my shroom trip were not working at all, not even one bit. Little did I know there would be lasting effects after this. The next time I was on just psilocybin I realized that none of the usual mental tricks I use to navigate my experience to take control of it were working despite having considered myself someone who had mastered my own psilocybin experience for over a year by that point. I was literally at the mercy of my trip almost as if it was my first time taking it again. Of course, this made me upset over the next couple months because I had to basically re-learn my own mind on psilocybin again. But what I found throughout my day to day was that I started feeling emotions towards many different things that I otherwise would not have been able to feel for, and at a much greater capacity. I remember being shown a song by one of my friends and being able to completely feel the emotions that came with the song to the point of being able to cry. It was also a song I had listened to many times before.

03/22/2020 – 12:47 PM – I plan on writing more about my personal experiences with combining both but for now I’ll stop here.

Personal Experiences & Commentary

A section dedicated to the personal experiences and commentary of some of the people who took part in my journey as I explored psilocybin. Each one is written in the first person perspective of that person. This section is meant to only be supplemental anecdotal information and it’s recommended to be read only by those who have finished reading the main site. To begin, please select one of the tabs above.

    As of writing this, I’m currently 30 years old. I was someone who never had anything going for them. Someone you generally wouldn’t acknowledge or pay that much attention to as I blended into the normal daily life that everyone faces. I was part of the background that you call life. I was disassociated with the world we live in and never thought for myself. I had no empathy. The extent of my feelings toward anyone or anything was muted and I didn’t care about myself. I spent countless days of my life wasting away through gluttonous consumption. I would mindlessly watch movies and TV Shows while playing video games for hours on end. Never understanding the stories of what I was watching or reading into any thing deeper than surface level things. I had no concept of appreciation for the world around me by the time I was in my late twenties. The relationships that I kept were hollow and empty. I was lonely, and miserable, taking it out on myself and others. Anything that would have made me a person had been stripped away as time went on. If you spoke to me, everything was an automated response, like I was pretending to be a person. I never pushed myself. No motivation, No drive, No mind, No Soul. By text book definition I was a sociopath. This all changed through the use of Psilocybin.

    Psilocybin opened up my mind and helped me develop empathy. It made me smarter. It made me care. It made me want to change. It made me more aware of myself and the world around me. It brought out my problems and made me face them. It showed over time how dissociated and detached I was from the world and how little I actually understood about life. How wrong I was in everything I was doing. This wasn’t a simple process as a Sociopath who came into this world from how I was in the “background”. There was resistance due to fear and my own mental labyrinths I developed. I mistreated through manipulation and dishonesty those around me. These are the people who STILL continued to push through to me with love and care unlike that which I’ve ever experienced. They never gave up on me, and showed me that I do deserve to be happy while instilling values and setting me out on this journey to become the best version of me possible. It’s now that I call them family.

    It was after a year of groundwork being laid inside my mind from multiple sessions, multiple failures and pain I caused others that the greatest break through and change within me had occurred. It was in this particular session that I was able to feel a polarizing set of emotions each manifesting and causing more than just a logical understanding in me. It set me on the correct path to become who I am today. I learned in that session what pain and suffering my actions were truly impacting on those around me, how inhuman it is to be that kind of a person and how people like me affect the world. As the world changed around me to reflect this, I felt like a monster for these were people I developed bonds with, that I loved and cared about, who loved and cared about me. I wanted nothing more than to be anything but that kind of person I was. It was after this set of feelings as I peered out the window at the city surrounded by these people, I started to cry and realized how beautiful existence is, and how having a life to experience it is more beautiful than words can describe. This is something people don’t realize even in their lifetime or if they do it’s usually too late.

Experience With Combining Psilocybin With MDMA: (Coming Soon)

– Cylarius 01/2020

   I started off life a lot more troubled than most people. I had a lot of issues that made it really difficult to be what most would consider normal. I had Aspergers Syndrome which made me not understand social cues, gave me massive social anxiety, have a difficult time understanding my teachers at school, and on top of that I had a really strained relationship with my parents so my life was more or less a nightmare.

  Having Aspergers is similar to there being a glass wall between you and the person trying to communicate with you or the conversations happening around you. Unless a topic is specifically in your field of interest, which are very few, or it’s a very simple topic it’s usually going to go in one ear and out the other. Furthermore, even when you actually do have something to reply with it just ends up becoming weird jumbled up noise in your head that you’ll find nearly impossible to translate into spoken language. Emotional topics, especially when it comes to yourself are very difficult if not impossible to be able to understand or translate to others.

    Asperger’s causes your field of interests to become very narrow which makes it extremely challenging to appreciate and enjoy life as a whole because you’re usually only going to hone on one or two things that interest you and block out the rest of the world. For me it was specific anime titles or games. This also makes it very hard to talk to people because you’ll have almost nothing to talk about aside from what you like, which means the person will have to deal with you talking about what you’re interested in for the entirety of the conversation while simultaneously not having much to say about what they would be interested in bringing up.

    Due to the fact that I couldn’t appreciate anything outside and had social anxiety I would stay in my room all day. When I got home from school I would immediately jump on my computer and block out everything else. If I went to a relative or an acquaintance’s house it would be the same pattern without me having a single conversation with anyone. I think even though I didn’t realize it at the time I probably felt really ashamed of myself that I couldn’t hold a single conversation with anyone on top of the fact that I hated my appearance because I was overweight so I would avoid looking at people directly in the face. I would go as far as to avoid mirrors. I basically did anything and everything to make myself feel like I didn’t exist. This of course wasn’t a conscious thought on the surface since my mind was so messed up but I think a huge part of my shame is that deep down somewhere in past, despite the Asperger’s, I really did want to like myself.

    Things were not any better in school if not worse with all my issues. I had no subjective opinion of what I considered attractive back then, so even though I’ve come to like my looks now, with everyone bullying me for being so awkward and making fun of how I looked, I genuinely thought I was really ugly. I also had really bad vision so unless I was specifically sitting at the front of the class I couldn’t see the blackboard but my social anxiety stopped me from being able to raise my hand in class and ask the teacher to move me. This, coupled with how difficult it was to even understand what the teacher is saying most of the time, I was constantly looked down on for being one of the dumbest people in my class to the point that on some rare occasions even the teachers would take jabs at me because I could not defend myself and they knew I would not complain to anyone. One example is when a creepy teacher wanted to impress this little boy (I’m pretty sure something happened between them as well because he got fired a couple months later) by blaming me for scribbling on the table when it was the other kids fault. He forced me to use all my strength to try to erase it but my arms were too weak so he pushed me aside and yelled at the class, ‘’look it’s this easy, you can’t even do something like this’’, and the entire class was staring and laughing at me while he was humiliating me. My entire elementary school years continued on as a series of unfortunate events of people mistreating me because I could not respond back to anyone.

 When I got to middle school I started going out with someone online because he was the first person who ever gave me acknowledgement for how I looked. To normal people this would be an absolutely dumb idea but to me I didn’t understand that it was common for guys to hit on women and that anyone finding me pretty was impossible so I considered it one of the only opportunities I would ever have in my life at the time. Over the months we were going out he started losing interest and ignoring me when he slowly found out how awkward and unsociable I was. Even though he started ignoring me and his responses were few and far in between, I put up with it for a year because I felt like it was truly the only chance I had for any acknowledgment. I went through a heavy depression and started losing sleep because I felt like him ignoring me was a reflection of my existence (which in a way I would have been correct at the time).

    After a year he finally decided to break up with me but because I was so broken and believed nobody would ever like me I fell for it a second time with an even worse person who ended up sexually abusing me and then ignoring me for weeks on end. By this time I was finished with High School and I went through my fair share of mentally and sexually abusive relationships out of pure ignorance of myself and the world.

    Finally, someone came along who would eventually become my best friend to this day. They ended up being the entirely complete opposite of my last two relationships, which I now look back on as a serious stroke of luck. When we started going out they made sure we never did anything sexual, in fact, it wasn’t until years after we broke up and remained really good friends that we even did anything. There was nothing like you would expect in a normal relationship. Instead, it felt more like I had a really caring friend. This person had a very aggressive view of the world at the time, which I personally did not like because it made them seem very confrontational to everyone around, but in fact it was this strong sense of self that they used reflect onto me the importance of valuing myself and that I had the power to change my own life. They taught me to measure myself by my own measures and not anyone else’s, not even their’s. They also really loved themselves and thought extremely highly of themselves, so it was then that I began to think, “I want to feel for myself how they feel about themselves”. I remember walking across the bridge that I usually take to walk to my school and thinking for the first time in my life of the possibilities. It was then that I started to fantasize and dream about all the things that I could do in the future. I vividly remember the feeling welling up in my chest as I was crossing that bridge, and I always took note of that moment and held onto that memory ever since because it was such a major turning point in how I viewed the world. 

     A while after High School ended I had decided I wanted to be my own boss and became self-employed. My career, which ended up being social-based, was extremely rocky because of my social-ineptness. I eventually moved out and wanted to have my own life because I felt like isolation would best the motivator to get my ass into gear. Unfortunately I started living in an apartment with no furniture or lights and the apartment was completely filled with roaches. I had to start out from scratch completely. By this time we had already broken up but we remained really good friends and they continued helping me with my social issues, unfortunately to no avail. No matter how hard I tried I couldn’t get things to work out for me when it came to communicating to people the way I wanted to, even to my best friend. Two years into me living by myself, things weren’t getting much better for me as a person, because even though business was going really well I still had my social and communication problems. I still had my Asperger’s imprisoning me from the rest of the world.

    Then on one fateful day my friend recommended to me that I try MDMA. This came as a shock to me at the time because the entire time I knew my friend they had a negative view on drug use because they grew up very protective of themselves when it came to taking anything illicit. I guess by this point they were willing to overcome that barrier because nothing else was working. I had heard of it before from my drug obsessed ex (the one who sexually abused me) but had never taken it seriously because of the stigma behind drugs but I trusted my friend and knew they would never give me anything they considered dangerous. We had done research on it and came up with a supplement list prior to taking was it to add to our peace of mind.

    We took it not knowing at all what to expect and 1 hour in my friend was talking a lot and I wasn’t completely paying attention because I was deep in my own head as I was getting higher. I had a massive pent up emotional feeling welling up that I have never felt before and I started crying hysterically out of the blue in a way that I never have up to that point. It was as if out of the blue, from nowhere, I saw everything from a second perspective and finally started acknowledging my own existence. I cried and cried and cried so hard because I felt so happy that I finally knew that I actually loved myself. Since MDMA has a way of helping you connect more parts of yourself together while at the same time allowing you to look at things from a second perspective, that’s all it took for me to realize that I had no reason to not love and care myself just because of how other people treated me. I had this overwhelming sense of peace with myself and I was able to connect my thoughts while I was remembering things from my past that allowed me to see even clearer how much I mattered to myself at every turn. All it took was for me to accept these new thoughts and further reconcile them. 

    And then something else happened while I was coming to realization after realization about how much I actually did value myself. I paused and started crying again suddenly and said to my friend while I was looking down at the bed we were on, “Wait…you….did all of these things for me… all these years you…how have I not noticed everything you’ve done up until now? My thoughts…they’re forming so clearly in my head this is so crazy…and I’m… going through everything throughout my life right now…”. I then went on to tell them all of the little details that I remembered them doing for me that I had not given acknowledgement to in the three years I’ve known them. My friend was looking at me throughout all of this with the most shocked expression I had ever seen them make and they started crying really hard. To them, the blockage from my Asperger’s was such a problem that they told me they had already gotten to the point where they never considered the possibility that I would ever notice every single thing they’ve done for me. Looking back, I realized by this point that I had only ever really showed appreciation for only a fraction of what they did for me and it was only hitting me all at once at the beginning of my high.

    It was that topic about what they did for me and how far they went that made me start to realize even further what my own qualities were. Everything was going rapid fire in my head in quick succession and I was able to connect their actions with how they are as a person and how they viewed me, which helped me see myself from even more new perspectives than the initial realizations I had, not just from the value they saw in me but from the fact that I was able to look back on all of my accomplishments that I had acquired up until that point in my life. I was able to visualize in my mind exactly the crazy odds I was up against years prior and how I overcame them to get to this point. It made me realize that I not only always loved myself but that I was an awesome person for pulling through.

    I also wanted to text my mom and tell her all the things I was realizing that she had went through and put up over me as she was raising me. I told her that I realize it must have been so challenging raising me by herself with all the problems I added with doing poorly at school and with never ever communicating with her, and how much I so dearly appreciated her. My mom ended up crying over text messages.

    My friend described the me on MDMA as being like a completely different person as if I had a part of my consciousness locked away because of the Asperger’s and my trained mental behavior that manifested throughout my life from having it. Imagine for a minute that you go through your entire life with jumbled up noise that you can’t reconcile even in your own head and the world feels like a foreign place that you’re barely a part of, that you can’t even begin to scrape or effect in any way, and then suddenly that jumbled up noise starts to form into complete emotions and entire thought structures that you’re able to clearly understand with newfound confidence. Imagine feeling like you never have anything to say back to anything anyone says even if it’s topics you do have things to say because it just keeps coming up as blanks in your head or a weird discombobulated mess, and then suddenly knowing exactly what you’re going to say and being able to effortlessly vocalize them. And this all starts to happen in a matter of minutes. 

    I started talking more eloquently and I was finally able to defend in detail any of the strong or unpopular opinions I had. Perhaps even more surprisingly, I had things I wanted to say that I never even knew I had. My friend was completely blown away as if some kind of magic had happened right in front of their eyes and could barely reconcile what was going on. We spoke for 17 hours straight about so many things which I was never able to imagine in a million years I’d be able to do before. I consider that one of the most beautiful days of my entire life. The fact that I never saw the beauty in myself until that moment still brings me to tears but now I know how valuable I am and I will never forget it.

    Ever since then I continued to take it every so often with my friend with the intention of using it to slowly have me practice being the me that’s on it into my sober reality. Every time I take it is like a new experience because I achieve levels of confidence and super high levels of empathy that allows me to understand my surroundings a lot better and know exactly what to do to help those around me and myself. Slowly over time I’ve grown to become one of the most empathetic people because of it despite where I came from not being able to give it to others.

 

 

 

Experience With Psilocybin: (Coming Soon)

Experience With Combining Both: (Coming Soon)

– Exciana 02/12/20~

 

 

 

 

 

I know there’s probably going to eventually be a ton of people who want to pick at my mind when they’re done reading what I’ve covered here. People from different walks of life, different religions and philosophies, and of all kinds of scientific backgrounds will feel left in the dark if a paper written on psilocybin and the breakdown of it’s mystical properties into practical terms didn’t bother opening up about how their mind ticks to begin with. After all, psychedelics as a whole, but even more so with the idea of learning to control psilocybin, involves the spiritual journey of one’s mind, how they view themselves, and how they view the reality around them. To tell my story and give proper context to the person behind the information shared on this website, we’ll have to go back to the very beginning when I was still under one years old. To expedite the process and spare you the details, I’ll start off by listing what I feel were important segments of my life.

– I remember being a few months old and being in my aunt’s home which is located in a city an hour away from where I lived in the Philippines, and being laid down in one of the beds by a lady who was a friend of the family who took care of me. I remember looking at a picture hanging on the wall and pointing at it to her. She told me it was my grandmother who was the wife of my grandfather on my father’s side of the family. For some reason this particular memory always stayed with me. I remembered it every year that passed by after that.

Perhaps even more weirdly, I would go on to remember a feeling I felt later on during that afternoon as I was laying there. It’s a feeling that’s difficult to describe unless you were in my mind at the time. I remember a feeling of suspicion, suspicion about the reality around me, sort of like a deep feeling of curiosity although not quite exactly just as simple as that. Imagine the instinctive feeling of being curious about the atmosphere around you, about how the sun’s rays beam through the windows and creates an area in the room where you can see the dust flowing through the air, and to know that there must be more to the world than just what you’re being shown in this one area. I know this all sounds very complex for a baby under one years old but this is how I reconcile the feelings that manifested from at the time. A few moments later I started crying really loud until the lady would come back in to stop me from crying. I would then go on to remember this feeling every few months after that, and I made sure to hold onto it.

A few months later I would find myself laying on my back on that bed again, staring up at the ceiling and the walls around me. This pattern would occur every time I go back there all the way until I was over a year and a half old. One day a different feeling welled up inside me as I looked around. It was the feeling that can only be reconciled as the questioning of, “why me?” or more accurately, “why from this viewpoint/trajectory?”. It was a heavy, mind penetrating feeling that stained the air around me with a sense of extreme stillness. I was very curious as to not just why I was viewing the world through my own eyes, but also curious about what else I could be missing out on. I also remember the feeling of being “trapped” in that point of view. I felt completely powerless. Again, I would make sure to hold on to these feelings and memories every now and then. I felt a strong urge to make sure to never forget them.

– Somewhere before I turned fully one years old I remember being on one of those toys they put you in to help you walk around on two feet without falling, and bumping my upper lip underneath a section of the table. It would remain as a small scar for the next 17 years of my life. Looking back and analyzing the feelings I had back then, it was probably my first real dose that not everything goes my way and that things can just go wrong. I remember that feeling sticking with me quite deeply because from that point on I was a lot more consciously careful as I grew older.

– At 8 months old my family got me a nanny because they knew they would not have the time to micromanage their life and take care of a newborn baby with enough consistency. I remember being handed to a certain woman, who’s face I still remember to this day, who I would start crying frantically whenever I was given to her until it got to the point where they had to hire another one because I apparently just did not like her.

– I remember being held against my nanny’s chest in a hospital as I was supposed to get a shot. I think it was for a vaccine. The only detail in this memory I can remember is that I was being combative and threatening to the nurse that was about to give me a shot. A few members of my family were there and they were finding it humorous that I was threatening the nurse when I could barely speak properly. I remember holding my arm out and balling my hand into a fist while motioning at the nurse. Eventually they had me turn around while I was against my nanny and I was given my shot.

– Around one years old, I was about to go to bed with my dad. He showed me a piece of metal and taught me about what it was and what it can provide. It was a revolver, unloaded of course. The bullets were sprawled all over the bed next to it. It was maybe about 7 or 8 bullets in total from what I can visually tell from the image in my memories. He told me that this is what can protect you when you need it. He told me to see if I can lift it and chuckled a bit when he saw I tried with all my mouth with both of my hands but could not lift it off the bed at all. But I remember the feeling of cold metal. Little did I know, this was probably imprinting onto me a feeling of comfortability with handling such things, as they weren’t alien to me later on in my life.

– About two years into my life, I remember walking out of my nanny’s bedroom in the middle of the afternoon. It was around maybe 2-4 PM. I stood there in the middle of the living room as the sun’s rays beamed through the windows of my grandmother’s house where I lived. Once again you could see the dust particles move around in the beams of light. I started wondering to myself along the lines of, “ Another period of time has passed. This is what I see, and I can remember a month ago, and the month before, but if I keep tracing back further, I can’t remember anything else. Then what was it like before I was born?”

– I had a small stick I used to carry around everywhere I went with me. I found it by the side of my grandmother’s garden. For whatever reason I took a liking to it and grew attached to it. The stick had sentimental value to me. One day, I lay it against the wall next to the first step of stairs before heading up into the second floor. When I came back to it later on in the day I noticed it was gone. I looked around the house until I saw my older adopted cousin playing with it in the kitchen. I told him it was a stick I found and that I laid it next to the steps to come back to it later. This particular cousin of mine was known to be a mischievous child. He would always get in trouble for something and he was known for always stealing money from the coin jar when my grandmother wasn’t looking. He refused to give me back my stick and you could tell he was purposely being a dick because he was laughing about it.

Eventually my dad came over because of the commotion and I tried to explain the situation as best as I could to him, hopeful and confident that my dad, who was known to really dislike him, was going to correct the wrong that was happening in the situation. To me, it was a simple logical equation, stick = mine, therefore stick = must be given back to me. Well, that didn’t happen. Instead, I got an ass whoopin from my dad.

– 2.5 years in I was chased by a small dog in our neighborhood. It was black with brown belly fur and about the size of a small child. I ran as fast as I could possibly run through the back gates of my grandmother’s house and into the garden hallway where she keeps some of her plants and chicken cages until I got to the final red gate that would ultimately allow me to go inside the house and close it behind me. I remember the feeling of absolute extreme fear running through my body when I was running. Every bark sent electricity through my brain.

This would happen a second time a little while later. I think it was two weeks later, maybe a month. This time, unfortunately, the red gates were locked and I was at a dead end. I yelled frantically for any one of my family members to come open it, but no one came. The dog was already a few feet away and kept barking at me as I yelled for help. Fear was reaching critical levels inside me and tears were running down my face, until something in me snapped. I calmed down and turned around at the barking dog, and intuitively somehow knew, with surprising levels of confidence, that I had no choice but to deal with the situation directly, that running was no longer an option, and that no one was there to rely on other than myself. I stared back at the dog as the feeling of fear completely subsided and a feeling of aggression and subtle anger started welling up inside me. Anger over the fact that this animal was threatening me and causing me all this suffering. Anger over the fact that my family could not hear me even though there’s so many of us that lived in one house. Eventually, the dog stopped barking, and a few moments later started walking away. This experience would go on to eventually become one of the scariest moments of my life. Whether it was being ganged up on and beaten up, or having a gun pointed to my head, none of those had the same effect as this dog cornering me at 2 years old did. Little did I know that it would leave such strong permanent imprints into my personality.

Through the use of psilocybin and psychoanalytical help from my closest friends during our sessions, we were able to trace back this memory and link it to several key elements of my personality, including my flaws. For example, I’ve always been someone who relies only on myself, and I would do it to such a degree that it borders on being harmful to my own well being and ended up worrying people who cared about me. I wouldn’t even so much as ask someone to get me a glass of water, so even the concept of small requests were alien to me as I grew up. Being able to ask for help or assistance on anything was something I actually had to consciously practice over these previous two years. Neuroplasticity is especially sensitive in a child during the first few years of their life and extreme events, whether good or bad, tend to become deeply embedded in one’s personality that are usually difficult to counteract. That experience of feeling extreme levels of fear and having my family not be there to rely on instilled in me that I could not rely on anyone else, and looking at my entire past, I can see clearly how that molded many of my actions in certain situations, such as insisting on doing every group project in school by myself, or creating my own safety protocols in a particular job I use to do even though I was already instructed to follow one.

It also made me become so untrusting of the world around me that by the time I was 10 it became a normal reflex for me to create little tests for people I knew, even if they were supposed to be my friends, just to learn whether or not they were people I could find trustworthy or noble enough. This behavior would go on to become something so normal to me that I wouldn’t even notice I was doing it until things would hit the fan. I was also too arrogant to realize that doing things this way was overstepping my own boundaries over others and not respecting them as equal human beings.

But the experience also instilled within me some very positive lessons. It deeply embedded in me that I needed to be strong for myself, and that the last line of defense in my reality will always be myself. Looking back at my life, I don’t think I would have been able to go through a lot of the things I went through if I didn’t grow up with such a strong mindset towards myself. I grew up telling myself that almost nothing was impossible because I had no choice but to see things that way or else there would be too many things that could overwhelm me, so that events like the dog would be minimized.

– Around the same age, my nanny and I were joking around one day and I ended up in a yellow dress. I can’t remember where we found it but it may have been my sister’s. A moment later one of my older sisters passes by and looks at me with a concerned look on her face, the kind that let me know immediately that I was most likely in trouble and that I was doing something gravely wrong. She says to me, “what are you doing? I’m telling dad”. I immediately registered this as me doing something really wrong and that it was something I was absolutely never meant to do. From this day forward, especially growing up the way I did and in a Catholic family, along with learning that my parents apparently tried three times to have children because they were trying to get a boy to carry on the family bloodline, I poured all of my consciousness into building myself up into being the “best” idea of a “man” I could. I grew up embracing what I considered to be my “ideal” form of “masculinity”.

 

–  3.5 Years old: I was told for months that I would be flown off to America to be with my mother who worked as a nurse there so that I could grow up there instead of the Philippines. I was worried that I would need to leave my nanny who was the person I spent almost all day every day with for most of those first three years of my life, so my whole family promised me that she would be coming with me. When we arrived in Manila we spent a day there before I had to take a flight to start heading to my first layover that would eventually lead me to New York City. As I was leaving, I firmly remember seeing her brown luggage bag and took note of how it wasn’t being moved in the direction I was being dragged to. That was when I realized my nanny wasn’t coming with me. I started frantically crying and trying to break free of my dad’s grip to try to run back to her but they kept telling me she couldn’t come with me. I yelled and cursed at all of them and told them they were liars and that I didn’t understand why things were happening the way they were. I reminded them that I was promised that she would come. None of that mattered and I was eventually on a plane anyway.

My nanny was the first thing in my life that mattered on a personal level to me because she was with me every single day for almost the entire day for the first few years of my life. She was the only one I considered reliable and it was taken away from me by the very people who I was supposed to trust. Looking back, I completely understand the troubles adults have to go through in situations like these, so I can’t blame my family for their strategy even if I don’t completely agree with it. Regardless, what was imprinted in me because of this experience would later help a specific trait in me become a hallmark of my personality.

– 5 years old, Kindergarten in Brooklyn, New York

Back in kindergarten we used to have to go to the bathroom in pairs because it was protocol to have a partner with you when going anywhere in the school. In the bathroom I was teased by three 5th graders about how I didn’t belong in there because I looked like a girl. At the time, my mother had the tendency to force things on me, and one of them was tieing my hair up in a ponytail which made me frequently get mistaken for being a girl because I hadn’t developed more masculine facial features yet. It didn’t help that even for a five year old I was really short. In fact, I was the shortest one in class.

I was too naive, ignorant, and too young to realize what I was about to do next was really stupid. I remembered all the Bruce Lee movies I watched with my dad and thought to myself, “This is that moment”, looked straight up at one of the 5th graders and took a swing at him. I missed. A moment later, I got hit right in the face and fell on my ass. Growing up in a traditional Asian family in the 90’s I was no stranger to getting an ass beating (thanks Dad, I guess? lol), so the only thing I could think about was, “I don’t understand why that didn’t work”, so I got up again and took another swing only to miss again. I get punched in the side of my ear and stumble to my side on the floor from his weight. I immediately scramble to get up and take another swing, and then another as each time he just stepped back, until he punches me in the face again and the weight of the impact forces me to fall backwards on my ass.

 

This time, I stayed there and calmly lay on my back staring at the ceiling. By this point they’re walking out of the bathroom and my classmate who came with me was standing there above me saying, “I’m gonna tell on them to Ms.Kristadora”. I was entranced in my thoughts as I lay there staring at the ceiling wondering to myself why none of the things I saw in movies didn’t work the way I wanted it to. At that moment I accepted that not everything is the way you think it can be in your head and that you have to take a tested approach to everything. It let me know how weak I was and that I had a lot of work ahead of me if I was going to prepare myself for the world. I also took note of how my classmate didn’t say a word throughout the entire thing, not even so much as to defend me that I was not a girl, and that I was a “boy”. This must have further imprinted into me that I can’t trust or rely on anyone but myself, and that when you think someone is a friend, they may not be.

– Sometime still in kindergarten, there was a temporary student who was a year older was put in my class for a few months, and because I looked like a girl he would bother me and tell me he liked me and that I should be his girlfriend. It didn’t matter how many times I told him that I’m a boy or how many times the two teachers told him, he wouldn’t accept it. To me, it was confusing that he couldn’t accept it. At this time I still barely knew how to speak English, so honestly, what could you have liked about me if we can’t even communicate? Nothing about the situation computed in my head. His persistence was illogical.

Everyone thought this was a humorous situation in the class for weeks, but to me it was annoying and frustrating. Every single day, several times, for weeks, I and everyone else would make it clear to him that I’m not a girl and that I do not like him. Do you remember those old cartoons that aired on TV in the 90’s? If you’re familiar with the character Pepé Le Pew, I would always find those episodes that involved him to be confusing and frustrating to watch. I understood that it was supposed to be humorous, but to me his actions were too illogical to play into. All I could think about was, “but yo…the woman doesn’t like you?”. I felt the same about Johnny Bravo. To many, they were humorous, but to me, they were supposed to be a blueprint on how to be a failure. Isn’t the point to make sure that the person you like likes you back?

I was standing in line for class one day and I felt someone tap my shoulders. As soon as I turned around he pulls me in towards him and kisses me on the lips. I slam my palm into his jaw, push him away, and spat out a few times as emotions that I could not fully process were welling up inside me. I was extremely angry, frustrated, but even more than either of those I was confused once again. To me, it was illogical to do something like that to someone when they made it clear they weren’t into you. I was also confused as to the illogical idea of doing something as sentimental as a kiss on the lips without the person’s consent. Being sort of a germaphobe when it came to other people, I felt even more disgusted.

In that moment I realized even further how the world was. I think by now anyone reading this would have gathered that I was the type of child to take things extremely deeply to heart and that whatever I experienced had disproportionately strong effects that caused immediate changes in my persona. That experience immediately let me know that it was not safe being a woman in a society like this. Any thoughts or fantasies of ever trying to go in that direction was gone. Instead, I resolved every fragment of my consciousness and my will to be the best idea of a man I could be. But in Brooklyn, you couldn’t just be a man, you had to be a strong and capable one, or at least that’s what I thought at the time. It was because of this thought process that I went on to train my body from a very young age. My mother refused to put me into any combat courses so I trained myself at home. For weights, I dumped a bunch of pennies, nickels, and dimes into large containers, scotch taped the opening shut, and used them as weight training. My mom would be gone for over 16 hours of the day 6 days a week since she worked as a nurse so I was able to comfortably use the living room to train my striking.

I would keep this up, on and off, from five years old all the way until I was 17 when I left. Today, I am doing HRT and everything is going really well except I’m having a hard time trying to get rid of the last bit of muscular tone off my arms and shoulders, and it’s become a sort of frustrating mechanic that if I use any amount of muscular effort in anything at all, even so much as holding a grocery bag, my body reacts to it immediately by gaining definition the next day, to the point that all of my friends have to remind me and stop me from carrying anything too heavy for too long. It’s ironic that what I gained by putting in so much hard work and effort into is now something I’m desperately trying to get rid of.

– At 13 years old I was in my first relationship with a girl who shared the same birthday as me, except she was three years older. Of course, being 13, and coincidences like having the same birthday, being naive and young, I thought the feelings welling up inside me were love. I did care about her though, but one does not really know what being in love is like until they’ve actually been in love. Only then can they really know that everything in the past was not it. That it was just infatuation. A crush. Attachment.

Nevertheless, I treated my first girlfriend like a goddess. I was a perfectionist in a lot of ways in my life, and being a significant other was not going to be an exception to that so I tried my best to treat her as best I could with what little wisdom I had in a relationship. I can honestly say, with great confidence, that I treated her really really well. Everything was by the book. I wanted to be the best I could be for her because it’s what I believed a person should be for the person they’re with. In three years and six months, we never really had a serious quarrel or issue with each other, so you can understand my confusion and frustration at the time when I found out she cheated on me. And I had to hear it from my friend too because she didn’t have the courage to tell me herself.

During our relationship, I always avoided sex. We cybered, but actual sex was something I wanted to “save”. At this time in my life, I had a lot of sentimental values towards things, and one of them was that I carried that cliche naive idea that a person’s first time should be with someone that they really are meant to be with. I explained to her that if we were really meant to be together that it can wait. Looking back, this must have probably really hurt her a lot more than I could perceive because I was blind to a lot of emotional and psychological dimensions about people for most of my life. It was only this past year that I started really knowing how to empathize with people’s subtle emotions and psychological tendencies thanks to the help of my friends, repeat sessions of MDMA, and my obsessive study of psilocybin.

If you’re ever reading this, I’m sorry. It must have been hard, especially for a woman growing up in a society like this.

It’s because of this experience, the pain and agony of feeling betrayed, that I closed off the last bit of emotions I had for myself as best I could and I started becoming even more cold and calculated all the way down to the granular thought processes of how I think. I would go on to eventually go from relationship to relationship for the sole person of learning more about humanity. It didn’t even occur to me that it was wrong on so many levels to just go out with people in that manner. Don’t get me wrong, I liked them, but I didn’t harbor the kind of feelings one would call a crush or infatuation. If a woman had powerful and charismatic traits, and we clicked as friends, they were a go for me. This operative is something I wholeheartedly disagree with today, and I feel horrible for using people’s hearts for laboratory purposes.

At the very least, I also went out with many of my exes with a large part of the purpose being that I believed I could elevate their life in some way and nudge them in the right direction, so it was not all just for data purposes. I grew up throughout my teen years as someone who found it difficult to ignore people in need of help, especially if they were directly in my face and it was something I knew I could easily help with. I always wrote myself off as someone who had no empathy for people and that I mainly helped people because I found it interesting and entertaining to watch people go from one place and end up in a much better place in life. But looking back and really analyzing every fragment of thought and emotion that went through my head in each event that I was moved to help someone, I must have been turning away from the truth because I do remember feeling a sense of unfairness or compassion towards everyone I interacted with who told me about a problem or issue they were having.

As an example I remember a guy I met online back when I used to play Warcraft 3. It was one of the people I was tutoring on that game back when I used to tutor people on there and we developed a good friendship with one another over time. He voiced concern over how he didn’t know how to approach this one girl in his school because she was so popular and always surrounded by too many of her friends to be approached, so the task of even starting a conversation with her was daunting to him. He told me that they do talk but they’re not close or even friends yet and that it was hard to get any closer because he didn’t know how to approach the situation. This guy struck me on every level as a kind hearted person, and I remember feeling a sense of unfairness that there were people out there who had honest desires towards another person but didn’t have the experience or confidence to make something happen. It’s because of this that I resolved myself and made a vow in my head that I would help him get with this girl so that they had a chance at a relationship.

Over the next six weeks I would give him advice and motivational speeches while he updated me every day how things went. He eventually did get with the girl but I couldn’t be happy for him. I was happy at the happy ending and that a person I deemed to be a good human being ended up happy, but I couldn’t be happy FOR him from a truly empathetic standpoint, most likely from my lack of general autonomous empathy for people. But even so, the beautiful part of all this is that five years later he would message me on AIM (AOL Instant Messenger for those who are not familiar) telling me that I was invited to be at his wedding with that same girl. I think it was this moment that I could actually feel happy FOR him in the truest sense of how empathy should be, I guess because the initial success of getting with the girl he liked was merely the event of someone’s desire being fulfilled as expected because of a supposed blueprint whereas the five years of being in a relationship successful enough to end up in them wanting to stay together to marry each other is time itself putting their pairing to the test, thus proving to my consciousness that these two are truly happy with each other for most likely the right reasons.


*NOTES 3/30/2020 12:25 PM EST*
There is a lot more to be added here and I will be gradually adding more to my story as each week passes. I have an extremely busy schedule and have to juggle multiple responsibilities so I’m lucky to even have 30 hours in the week to myself so my updates will be erratic. This project is a passion project and one that is a small yet crucial part of a lifelong ambition of mine. I have done a lot of things wrong in the past, and I have learned how wrong they are now through my experiences on psilocybin, so this path I’ve paved for myself is my way of returning as much good for the world as I possibly can.

– Ourokronos

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